Are you looking for a Cosmic Bailout?

A few years ago, when I watched The Secret, I was totally convinced that I could turn my life around by changing the way I think.  The Law of Attraction has attracted many followers, and, as with all big movements, there are those who misinterpret the message, and make a mockery of the truth that is present.  In an episode of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, the characters decide that they can each have what they want by "doing good deeds" and "gluing pictures of what we want on a poster board." The hilarious hijinks that ensue are a humorous take on how this message is misinterpreted.

The Law of Attraction is not about acquiring fancy cars and houses, in an attempt to fill your emptiness with material items. It is not about laying around the house and watching television, waiting for a leprechaun to drop a pot of gold on you.  It's about being positive and proactive in your choices, and focusing on creating the life you want, by changing your thought patterns from negative to positive.  It's about imagining yourself in a place of success, rather than in a state of fear and failure. "What you put out into the world is what you will get back." If you are constantly blaming others for your failures, then you will stay stuck in that energy.  If you can turn that around and figure out what YOU are doing to sabotage yourself, THAT is the key.  As I have said many times, it is NEVER about someone else.  No one can take away who you are inside, and no one can stop you from fulfilling your life's purpose.

You may find other people in your way, from time to time, but these are just lessons you need to learn.  Most of the lessons I have had to learn recently have been regarding boundaries. This word is another one that is misunderstood and overused, but for me, it jut means being clear with myself, and others, about who I am, and what I want.  It's not about being angry, or rude to others.  When you are truly setting loving boundaries, you have inner peace, and love for others.  You don't need to use anger to keep people out. When you project love and peace, you will attract it back to you.  The "angries" won't have any place to connect with you, and they will look elsewhere.

My younger years were full of anger and bitterness, and I am here to tell you, it is exhausting!  Yes, I do still get mad, and sometimes say things I wish I hadn't, for I am still human:)  But most of the time I am not angry for long, and I can let it go fairly easily.  Emotions are part of being human, and if you are denying any of yours, do not be fooled into thinking you can sustain that for long.  It will come out, one way or another.  If you can stay grounded and present, you can deal with anything that comes your way, and learn the lessons attached to those feelings and reactions.  I know it's a total cliche, but "everything happens for a reason," and the sooner you can trust that, the sooner you can stop resisting the flow of life, and really accept your destiny, fate, or whatever you want to call it.

Let go, and watch yourself grow!

Moving out of relationships

Whether you want to admit it, or not, our lives revolve around relationships.  Work, family, and friends, are the lifeblood of our society.  A relationship is defined by Wikipedia as:

"An interpersonal relationship is a strong, deep, or close association/acquaintance between two or more people that may range in duration from brief to enduring. This association may be based on inference, love, solidarity, regular business interactions, or some other type of social commitment. Interpersonal relationships are formed in the context of social, cultural and other influences. The context can vary from family or kinship relations, friendship, marriage, relations with associates, work, clubs, neighborhoods, and places of worship. They may be regulated by law, custom, or mutual agreement, and are the basis of social groups and society as a whole."

It has been said that we choose our family before we are born. Energetically, we choose the people to have in our lives, based on what we need to learn.  In "Many Lives, Many Masters," Dr. Brian Weiss talks about this, and how it relates to the entire cycle of our life, as well as how it factors into our subconscious, from past lives, if you embrace that school of thought. In the work I do at my Intuitive Learning Center, we learn how to recognize and release these patterns.  There are many variables when it comes to our choices.  Why do some people end up rich, and others, poor?  This is a result of choices, conscious or unconscious, and I have seen many people turn their lives around by simply becoming conscious of making the choices that will lead to what they really want to manifest in their lives.

When you find yourself in relationships that are the same, over and over, you need to ask yourself, "Who is the common denominator in this pattern?" YOU are the one who is attracting this, and it is up to YOU to change yourself, and your choices have to reflect that.  If you find yourself constantly being annoyed and angered by other people, ask yourself what you are not seeing.  It is not the other people, it is within you.  Some people have a hard time setting boundaries for themselves.  I have seen it time and time again, someone fails to set a boundary, and then, they are suddenly feeling "taken advantage of." If they had set the boundary and held it, no one would BE ABLE to take advantage of them.  There would be no drama or confusion.

In times when you really do need to move out of a relationship, it is simply because you have grown out of it.  It may manifest as the other person "doing something" to you, but there is no need to place blame or use anger to move out of the relationship.  No one is "wrong" or "bad" when the relationship no longer serves you.  Setting loving boundaries is a very easy way to move out of the energy of it, but acknowledging with gratitude, all that you have learned from the interaction.  If you find that most of your relationships end with a lot of drama and anger, you need to work on your boundaries.

Learn to have the best relationship you can with YOURSELF, and then you can really start to create relationships with others, that serves you, and them, in your highest good and purpose.

Simple pleasures

I have been seeing a lot of television shows and movies coming out lately, about losing electricity world wide. This, of course, is a disaster of epic proportions.  I began to take stock of my dependence on electricity and technology, as well as my family's. Most, if not all, of our entertainment is dependent on electricity.  When the power goes out, my kids have "nothing to do." We don't have a deck of cards, much less any board games.  What about photos of your loved ones, and your special moments? The list goes on: phones, cooking components, cars, medical equipment, etc.  Some of these things are more convenience than necessity, and it gives me pause.

In my quest within myself, I began to look for more simple pleasures, and this led me to the beach, the farmer's market, and places similar to these. I can enjoy nature without any electricity or technology, actually, it is best in it's natural form. When I go to a coffee shop, I don't have to immediately bury my head in my phone or computer. What if I sit there and smile, and say Hello to people? *gasp* The funny thing is, once I start talking to people in person, it is contagious.  Other people start to chime in, and soon, we have an animated discussion, and have made some new friends.

What are you missing, by living your life on the computer, or phone? You may be unconsciously burying your head in the sand, trying to avoid human contact.  Many of us have been wounded deeply by personal relationships, and we are afraid to be vulnerable again. Trust me, I understand this one. But, how are we to heal those old wounds if we choose to live in denial? Unfortunately, the only way to heal, is to feel. You have to make the conscious choice to open up that Pandora's Box and accept that these feelings are a part of your past, but they do not have to define your future.

For more on this subject, read my chapter about Burying the Lesson.  Feel free to email me if you need further information or have questions!  andreagarst@happiness.com

Love and Blessings to you on this day!

5 Dates with Yourself

When I began my "journey" into Happiness, I was asked the question, "What do you do for yourself?"  This had to be something that didn't involve a lot of money, or any other person/people.  It had to be a solitary activity that was pleasing to me, and no one else.  At first, I had a really hard time coming up with even one thing.  But now, years later, I have a list, and here are 5 of my favorites: 1.  Walking on the beach: 

Sometimes, I go twice, depending on how busy my day is, or how stressful.  I have even been known to go at night, to listen to the crashing of the waves against the shore. Once you find your happy place, it is truly a sanctuary.  Winnie the Pooh knew he needed a "thinking spot," and so do you!

2. Enjoying some good food

For me, this means one thing:  sushi.  Obviously, everyone is different in their likes and disikes, especially when it comes to food.  Find something that you enjoy, but make sure you are eating "consciously." Enjoy and savor the flavor and texture.  I take mine to go, because I don't like sitting in a restaurant alone, but many people have no issue with this.  Do what works for you, this is, after all, YOUR date.  Sometimes, I cook for myself, too.

3. Music

There are so many variations of this one, that I didn't specify.  Technically, music involves others, since the musician is performing, but you can listen alone, so I think it's still fair game.  For the purpose of really serving your higher self, I would encourage you to find some music that is uplifting, and calming.  You may even find that the you enjoy what you used to call "elevator music," and "old person music." Since no one else is involved in this decision, it will just be our little secret.  No one else needs to know what kind of music really speaks to your inner self.

Lady Antebellum's "Compass"

4. Meditation

This has been a huge part of my path in recent years.  There are many different types of meditation, and you do not have to sit in the lotus position for a day to acheive results.  You may have preconceived notions of this word, but I assure you that if every one of us took 30 minutes a day to simply sit in silence, the world would be a much better place.  Being still and quiet is difficult for those of us who have spent a lifetime trying to distract ourselves.  However; once you master it, the rewards are great, and endless.  There are lots of great resources online for learning this ancient and lost art.

5. Water

Again, there are tons of variations on this one, I personally enjoy a nice salt bath, but you may enjoy swimming, a jacuzzi, or something along those lines.  Water has a very effective grounding effect, and you can also use it for powerful visualizations of washing away energies, cords, etc.  I like to meditate in the bath, listening to music.  When I go to let the water out, I visualize all my stress and energy from others that I have collected over the last day, washes down the drain.  You can do a quick version of this with a shower.  Again, make it your own, it's your time to give to yourself.

Making time to nourish your inner light is key to finding contentment and Happiness.  As a good friend of mine says, "Happiness is found many different ways, and each are as varied as the soul who is searching for it."

Happiness from Within

How would life be different for you if you could not see, hear, or speak?  At first, you may think this would be awful, but think about it:  You could not HEAR any negativity.  You could not SEE anything but what is inside you.  And you would not SPEAK any harsh words that you could not take back.  And so we learn from Helen Keller, to live without outside distractions, is the greatest gift of all.  People pay thousands of dollars to live in remote areas, and it is often the wish to “escape” from society.  This just proves to me, once again, that happiness is found in YOU.  It is not outside of you, just ask Helen.  She was one of the most inspirational people of her time, because she was free from all the outside influences that may have discouraged her, she could not hear all the voices that said, “You can’t do that!”  She was free to pursue her heart’s desire because she didn’t know failure was a possibility.

My son goes to school with a boy who was born blind.  He seems happy, and is always smiling.  My son asked me, "Mom, what do you think it would be like to be blind?"  I wasn't sure how to answer the question, so I asked him what he thought (classic parenting trick). He talked about how he would miss the colors of the world, and knowing what everyone looked like.  I reminded him that this boy had never known any of that, so he wasn't aware that he was even "missing" anything.  We then discussed how, if you only had your other senses, it would affect your perception of yourself.  It was concluded that, in many ways, to be blind is freeing.  As Helen Keller, and many others, have discovered, you have what you need inside you already.  Most of us are shaped by the opinions of others, whether it be our family, friends, or acquaintances.  If we are to really find our truth, we have to dismiss anything that did not originate from our inner selves.

To be physically "blind" is not the worst thing that could happen.  However; to be spiritually "blind" is extremely damaging.  How many times have we watched a loved one self destruct?  How many people have destroyed themselves, because of what others think?  Often, finding your inner truth is the key to survival.  A woman who used to be a close friend of mine recently ended her life.  She was a beautiful person, but did not know it.  She was tortured by the limits that others had forced upon her, and never had the confidence to shine her own light brightly.  I tried to help her, but the damage was too severe.  She eventually shut me out, and then, she shut down.  When I learned of her passing, I was sad, but not surprised.  There are countless examples of this type of situation, and I am sure we all know of at least one person who this has happened to. That person who never quite fit in, and was never really content with themselves, and finally ended up on a path to nowhere, whether it be drugs, drinking, or even suicide.  I know, because I was on this path at one time.

Shine your own light, and do not be afraid of it!

Living in Consciousness

At some point in our lives, we start to realize that we have emotional baggage.  Perhaps someone points it out to us, or perhaps we are shown by circumstances.  However the information reaches you, it is your responsibility to take the next step.  Most people live unconsciously; meaning, repeat the same patterns over and over again, bemoaning the same result with all their "friends," finally coming to the conclusion that you need a drink, vacation, meaningless fling, or shopping spree, to make you "feel better.' After you have successfully avoided your emotions, the whole process repeats itself over and over until there is a breaking point.  The most common breaking point is illness, but injuries (physical or emotional) are at the top of the list, as well.

20 years ago, I was married to a wealthy man, planning a family, and generally not concerned with the future.  11 years later, I became a divorcee with two sons, and the playing field changed.  Suddenly, I had to deal with lonely nights, financial issues, all while maintaining a brave face for my two young sons.  I resorted to drinking as a companion, along with all the habits that come along with that choice.  After a few years of this, my body broke down and would not allow me to drink any longer.  I would become violently ill after a drink or two, and my "friends" dropped away, as I wasn't entertaining to them any longer.  I was forced to look at all my baggage, and it was not pretty.  I soon found other distractions, and one of them was food, and cooking.  I became immersed in cooking, health, and diet.  It was fun while it lasted, but soon, I was unable to afford the expensive ingredients that I needed, and so again, I was at a loss.  I spent a few difficult years learning how to balance my budget, and the shopping addiction was revealed.  I had a huge closet full of clothing that I never wore, for one reason or another.

Finally, I began to realize that I had been placing my Happiness in external things, and people, instead of just dealing with my baggage and creating my Happiness from within.  I didn't need to take another class, or read another book, I just needed to search myself for the answers that were there all along.  I am reminded of a quote from a song by America: 

"Oz never gave nothing to the Tin Man, that he didn't already have."

10 years after my divorce, I am now building a career that I love, my oldest son is in college, and I am Happy. I don't have a lot of money, or a huge group of friends, but I am rebuilding my ideal for who I want to be.  I am free from the expectations of wearing designer clothing and drinking bottles of wine.  I am excited to go on my beach walks, and spend time with my younger son.  I have discovered that the simple pleasures in life are best when you come from a place of contentment and peace. I do not need any distractions to accept and enjoy who I have become, after unpacking a lot of baggage, and getting rid of those things which do not serve my higher purpose any longer.

Be free, and be Happy!

Action, or RE Action?

How many times have you defended yourself with the protest, "But he/she started it!"  Of course, you may not use those words, as I would hope we have all moved on since kindergarten, but I still hear people justifying their behavior by comparing it to other's actions on a regular basis. Your actions stand alone, and if you constantly find yourself saying things like, "He/she really hurt my feelings!" or "He/she made me angry!" then you are in a pattern of REaction. This translates into giving away your personal power, letting someone else dictate your actions. We have all had this experience, as we all have egos, and that part of us enjoys drama. One of my favorite "zen stories" of all time goes like this:

 Is That So?

The Zen master Hakuin was praised by his neighbors as one living a pure life.

A beautiful Japanese girl whose parents owned a food store lived near him. Suddenly, without any warning, her parents discovered she was with child.

This made her parents very angry. She would not confess who the man was, but after much harassment at last named Hakuin.

In great anger the parents went to the master. “Is that so?” was all he would say.

When the child was born, the parents brought it to the Hakuin, who now was viewed as a pariah by the whole village. They demanded that he take care of the child since it was his responsibility. “Is that so?” Hakuin said calmly as he accepted the child.

A year later the girl-mother could stand it no longer. She told her parents the truth – that the real father of the child was a young man who worked in the fishmarket.

The mother and father of the girl at once went to Hakuin to ask his forgiveness, to apologize at length, and to get the child back again.

Hakuin was willing. In yielding the child, all he said was: “Is that so?”

 Hakuin could have defended himself and made a huge drama out of this, but he accepted the child and raised it in a peaceful, loving environment.  As the mother clearly was not ready to raise the child as her own, he accepted the gift from the Universe and likely gained some knowledge of his own.  When we defend ourselves, or allow the ego to take over, we are creating drama where there does not need to be.

Next time you find yourself "mad" or "hurt," ask yourself if the words you are about to say, or the action you are about to take, can stand alone.  If you are cut off in traffic, and, in turn, flip off the other driver, take out their action and leave yours in the equation.  Is this who you are? Or is that you reacting to them?  The answer is clear. In beginning to live a conscious life, and turning around your actions so that they are yours alone, you will start to see an inner calm that perhaps has eluded you until now.

"Your actions should not be contingent on someone else's.  Stand alone in love!"

Knowledge vs. Wisdom

How many times have you been in a situation and even though you knew it wasn't a good idea, you went ahead with it anyway?  How many people tried to tell you not to do it?  And how many times did you beat yourself up when you kept making the same choice?  This has happened to me many times, mostly in relationships.  I know the person is not good for me, all my loved ones tell me the situation is bad, and yet, I still seem to need to walk the path. I end up hurt, and mad at myself.  The most annoying advice in the world is: "Just don't do it!"  To me, this is useless.  I can choose not to do it, but I find that the universe finds ways to keep putting these situations in my face, until I learn the lesson.

Some time ago, I dated a man who was not good for me. He was basically unavailable, however; he was honest, and loving.  This was a departure from all my other failed relationships, and so I explored it a little bit.  All my friends told me to stop seeing him, and I tried, repeatedly, until he just laughed at me every time I tried to break up with him.  This continued for three years, until, one day, I just realized that I wasn't interested in him anymore, and I stopped calling him, and stopped agreeing to see him.  It wasn't until I really surrendered, that the lesson was complete.  Sometimes, when you fight something, you create more resistance to it.  My life has been a series of these things.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I am pretty much going to do what I feel I need to do, regardless of your plan for my life.

I realized long ago, that pleasing others with my actions and decisions, has not worked out well for me.  It isn't an angry space, but it's a space of loving myself.  If you become angry because someone "doesn't listen" to your unsolicited advice, that is not about them, it is all about YOU.  If you are searching for validation in other people's choices, and lives, then you have a much bigger issue that you need to address.  I don't have the energy to run my life, and yours, and everyone else's.  If you have the time, energy, and inclination to try to control other's lives, then you are clearly not dealing with your own life effectively.  This is not to say that we can't help others, if asked, and if we do not have a personal agenda on the outcome.  We have to let everyone figure out their own lives, because, otherwise, are we not insulting them, by assuming they can't deal with their own issues? Let's support each other in our truths instead of looking to validate our own doubts and insecurities by telling everyone else how to live.

Knowledge that you should not do something, is very different than the wisdom to make a different choice.  Knowing that you should not have that pint of ice cream, doing it anyway, and then feeling guilty afterwards, is a cycle that I see often.  I always tell my friends, "If you are going to do something, enjoy it! If you aren't going to enjoy it, then why do it?"  Otherwise, what's the point?  Many of us are in this cycle with food, relationships, work, etc.  We tell ourselves that we are "good people" and yet we are killing our inner light, by not really doing the things that make us happy and fulfilled.  Of course, then, we need to give ourselves "treats" and this is usually in a food based form.  What if your treat to yourself was to do something you really enjoy, with no care about what anyone else thinks you "should" be doing?  "Oh, you're so irresponsible/lazy/selfish, you did ______ instead of ______ ......" The things that fulfill you and really nourish your soul are your TRUTHS.  Live more in your truth and watch your life transform.

If we are constantly feeling as if we "have no choice" and "have to do this," where is the joy in life?  Parents are especially susceptible to this trap.  We are allowed to put ourselves first sometimes.  Your kids will respect you for it, and they will follow your example.  My kids will sometimes suggest that I take a few minutes "off the clock" because it makes me a happier mom.  It is not "lazy" of me to go into my room and meditate, instead of making a 5 course dinner.  It is nourishing my soul and taking care of myself so that I can take care of my kids better.

Do something every day that nourishes you, and watch your happiness meter rise!  I would love to hear your stories, please feel free to email me at andrea@happiness.com .  Love and blessings!

Happy Holidays: 2013

Have you ever noticed how the holidays seem to bring out the worst in people, including yourself?  The last minute shopping, the pressure to decorate your home with the latest accessories, the cooking, cleaning, and guests from out of town.  Let's not even talk about the money aspect, it's a bottomless pit!  When you are a kid, none of this matters, because you are the one benefitting from it, and you are blissfully unaware of anything, other than the fact that you don't have school, you can sleep in, and there is lots of yummy food to be eaten, plus, you get presents!  Your parents (or the adults in your life) take care of everything, and so the cycle goes.  When you start to have your own family, you accept the role, because that's the cycle.

A few years ago, I had lost my job, and had very little money.  I was unable to buy the special food, presents, and decorations.  And you know what?  We were fine.  The kids hardly noticed, and I was astounded at how much easier it was for me.  We still had each other, and the fact that we didn't have a tree, was irrelevant.  The kids told me it didn't matter, and we spent the holidays relaxing, enjoying being together.  They didn't get up early on Christmas morning, because there weren't any presents, but they didn't really need anything, anyway.  We had a nice day, watching movies together and then heading down to the beach for the sunset.

The last few years have taught me many valuable lessons, but during the holiday season, this is the most valuable lesson of all.  Excessive consumerism is not mandatory.  Make your own traditions and enjoy being together.  Take a road trip or a hike.  Make some hot cocoa and watch whatever movies you like.  They don't HAVE to be Christmas movies.  If you are religious, there are many traditions, church services, and gatherings you can attend that are free, or donation based.

We don't need most of the gadgets and junk we already have, much less MORE junk to add to it.  In my family, we have agreed not to get the adults gifts, but spend whatever money we have on the kids.  As the kids have gotten older, they just want money.  This is not really AS fun, but I do enjoy mailing off my cards with gift cards stashed inside.  Since we live far away from our relatives, I enjoy the thought of them opening my card and maybe having a distant memory of who we are.  Someday, we will all be together for the holidays, but, until then, this will have to suffice!

This year, we got a tree, and I put lights on it, telling my son, "You can help me put on the ornaments later."  Well, we never got around to that, and we still think it looks fine.  The cats still like to drink the water, and climb up the trunk. There is no pressure for it to be "perfect" or adhere to any set of rules.  We enjoy the scent of the tree, and the pretty lights.  Next year, we may or may not get one.  It's no big deal either way.

Christmas, and the holidays, are about the Spirit, family, and love.  As long as we enjoy each other, not much else really matters.  Blessings to all of you during this special season!

Where are you NOW?

On my beach walk this morning, I happened to go a little earlier than usual, as I knew it was going to be hot today (In November, 79, really????).  I noticed how the air was so dry it almost hurt to draw breath, the sun was hot on my back, and I decided to walk further than usual. I reached the point where I was to turn around, and suddenly, the sun was right in my face.  I was wearing sunglasses, but it was so bright and intense that it hurt my eyes.  I tried to shade myself with my hand, but my arm soon grew tired.  I tried tooking sideways, but that isn't the best idea when walking on a crowded path.  I wished I had a hat, had worn sunblock, and I felt my energy spiraling downward very quickly. Suddenly, I looked out at the ocean, and noticed how smooth the water was, like a silken blanket, only marred by the occational surfer or paddleboarder.  It ocurred to me that I had begun this path, and the only way to finish it, was to face the brutal searing heat in my face.  The only way back was through the discomfort.  I could choose to focus on the negatives, or I could accept my path and try to see the positives.  Immediately, I noticed the beautiful fragrant roses, the adorable puppy wagging its tail at me, and the spring in my step returned.  I was so uplifted, I almost broke into a run.  I finished my walk with a slight sunburn on my face, but I no longer attached negativity to that.  I live in a beautiful beach community, where I can walk on the beach year round.  That's enough to be thankful for.

My message to you today is:  When you see the obstacles and less than ideal circumstances, you have a choice.  Will you choose to push these aside and focus on what you have to be thankful for?  Or will you choose to allow the negativity to engulf you, and thus; rob you of your joy?  To turn the tide, you must make different choices.  Sometimes they are painful, and hard.  Sometimes you might get burned.  But ultimately, change comes from making those hard choices, and isn't that what you want?  To reach your goals, you must step outside of your comfort zone and look where you are in the moment, pause, and be thankful for this.  It is your life.

Karma: is it yours, or theirs?

I hear a lot of people saying things like, "Karma got them!  Yay!" or, "That person finally got what they deserve!" and it makes me sad.  I am sad because this is very clearly a negative view of the world and your fellow man.  I have come to realize that, in our hurt and pain, we have chosen to take pleasure in another person's pain and hurt, thus perpetuating the cycle.  No matter what someone else has "done" to you (more on this in my other post), YOU are responsible for YOUR personal karma, and the way you act towards another living being, determines what this is.  It is totally separate from blame, or punishment.  The way you treat others is YOUR KARMA, they way they treat others is THEIRS ALONE.

Many of you know that I struggle a lot with a neighbor family.  They seem determined to be difficult, hateful, and completely uncooperative, no matter WHAT I do.  Recently, I sent them a very strongly worded email, asking them to please respect the property lines, which they are not currently doing.  They sent me a message back, basically, saying, "Eff you!"  I was upset and extremely disappointed.  I have tried to trust the universe to help me set loving boundaries, but it never seems to work with these people!  I tried to respond in a way that kept my boundary clear, but was not mean spirited.  They did not reply.  The next day, I noticed that the mother (who is the most angry and tortured of the entire family), had become very ill.  At first, I was "happy that she got what she deserved."  I then realized that no matter what she has "done" to me, no one "deserves" to be sick, or ill in any way, and I decided to pray for her and send her healing energy.  Is it difficult?  YES. But since I believe we are all connected, who am I REALLY hurting by sending her negative and hateful energy?  That's right, I am hurting myself, as well as adding to the mass of negativity that already exists in the world.  I do NOT wish to participate in that.

I have a favorite quote from Pema Chodron which I think of often, especially in situations like this:  "Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know." It gives me a good perspective when I look at relationships which have been a constant struggle for so many years.  What is my lesson in those situations?  Perhaps it can give us a perspective on those long standing feuds we have with certain family members.  Why did we bring these people into our lives, if not to teach us something about ourselves?

Next time you find yourself taking pleasure in someone else's pain, ask yourself if that is the kind of person you want to be.  It is actually a big shift, and it may take some time, but once you realize that we are all in this together, perhaps you can find your compassion, and love for others, as well as yourself.  Do you want to spread love, or hate?  It's an easy choice, once you really recognize your pattern.  We can make a difference, one consciousness at a time!

Do something randomly nice for someone today, without any chance of recognition.  I like to leave change next to parking meters.  It's fun!  Spread the goodwill and you will soon find it transforming your life.

Are you in a Rut?

We are told at an early age that to be "lazy" is to be "bad."  The trouble with this adage is that the definition of "lazy," seems to be a bit hazy (accidental rhyme).  I touched on this in an earlier post, and it has come to my attention again, due to recent events.  The opposite of lazy is, arguably, to be productive.  What is behind the mindset of someone who does not want to be, or is not able to be, productive?  It is our old friend, Fear.  Fear of success, failure, and many other things.  Perhaps you have tried to be productive in the past, only to have your achievements invalidated and dismissed as "not good enough."  Whatever the reason, if you are in a place of healing, I believe you are producing exactly what you need at the exact time you need to do it.

Getting out of a rut is hard.  You have to first recognize that you are IN the rut, then you have to find the way out.  Many times, we are stuck because we have turned off our "opportunity radar."  These missed opportunities come in many forms, big and small.  I have recently been working with a company that is going to revolutionize the economy, healthcare, and business practices as a whole.  Since we are a start up company, we have to bring in referrals of qualified people we know.  I am calling all the people I know who struggle financially, and the ones who need the most help are the ones who are the most hesitant!  It is a classic lottery situation.  The "lottery curse," as we call it, culminates with the big money winners being in the same, or worse, financial situation than they were in when they won the money.  This is a classic example of being in a rut and following established patterns of lack and devaluing oneself.  One of my favorite ways to illuminate these patterns for people is to ask one question:  "And how is that working for you?"  No one has ever said "It's working great!", and that will usually result in a conversation where they can see that they need to take a chance and put themselves out there in a different way.  Another great example of this is the movie "Yes Man," where the main character attends a motivational seminar and has to take a vow to start saying Yes to all the opportunities around him.  His life undergoes a HUGE change and in the end he lands in a very different place, and is fulfilled and happy.  He spent all his time saying No, and ended up alone on his couch.  Comfortable, but alone and unhappy.  How's that working for you?????

In order to be "productive," we must first heal the part of us that is scared to take chances and say Yes to these opportunities that are everywhere.  Start recognizing the choices you have, instead of playing the victim and feeling sorry for yourself. This is just your Ego having a temper tantrum, as a good friend told me once.  If you spent a day with me, you would see me taking a lot of time to collect my thoughts and meditate.  When I feel overwhelmed, I find space to breathe and recenter myself.  This allows me to be MORE productive, but to the casual observer, it may look as though I am being "lazy."  A good friend bragged to me, "I never sit down!"  and I wondered if she realizes that she is falling into that old belief system.  If you never sit down, you are living in distraction and chaos.  If that WORKS for you, great. But honestly, I can't imagine that it would be working for anyone.  Taking the time for yourself is NOT being lazy.  Running around like a crazy person 24/7 is NOT being productive.  Find your balance and find your peace.

Wishing you all peace and blessings on this beautiful day!

Are you Listening?

As many of you know, I have recently acquired a deck of Oracle Cards, which I have enjoyed using on a daily basis.  I typically do a three card spread, which answers my question of the day with Past, Present, and Future information.  A few days ago, I got the "Listening" card for my future point of vantage. I had never seen this one before, so I paid close attention to what it said.  The basic message was, "Stop talking and start listening."

Many of us are living our lives in a cycle of "waiting for other people to stop talking"so that we can start.  When was the last time you just sat and listened to a friend, not offering any advice, but just letting them say what they need to say?  Sharing our life experiences is important, but there is a point where you may need to evaluate if you are doing it for yourself, or others.  I have found that many times, when I am impatient to "tell everyone my story", it is out of that old place of Ego, where I have tried to move out of for quite some time now.  Feeling defensive is also good old Ego raising it's ugly head.  Whenever I feel the need to defend myself, I ask, "Why?"  There is a fine line between setting boundaries and defending yourself.  Boundaries are set out of love for yourself, and the latter is simply needing to be "right" or "vindicated," and that is not something to be pursued.  We can't ever win that battle, because there will always be someone else who also needs to be "right" and there you go on the merry go round of Ego.

Yesterday I sat with a friend and listened to her talk about her ex husband and how she really wanted to get him out of her life.  As I shared my thoughts, she became annoyed with me, and I saw that "listening" card in my mind.  I realized that I need to retreat and let her find her own path.  It is not my place to heal everyone, people need to learn their own lessons, and even though it is hard to watch someone continue in a hurtful cycle, have we not all done that at one point in our lives? I spent a good 30 years there, and I gained a lot of wisdom, but also, compassion.  Perhaps this next phase of my life I need to shut up and let other people talk.  Because we are all in this together, and I do not want to impede anyone's progress, or get in the way of anyone's lessons, or life's path.  We are all exactly where we need to be in order to learn what we need to learn.

After all, talking is only thinking out loud, is it not?  Sending you all love and blessings on this beautiful day xxxxxx

Where are you?

Distraction has been the theme of this past month.  I see opportunities everywhere, and I see everyone doing it.  We have become a society of distraction, which ultimately leads to unrest and dissatisfaction.  We put off dealing with our thoughts, because, well, that's BORING.  We put aside those unpleasant thoughts and issues because that's HARD.  Well, news flash: You are cheating yourself out of the life experience by ignoring the opportunities you are being shown.

Yesterday, my son Sam had an audition in Los Angeles.  We arrived a bit early and walked in to a full room of people, ages 0-50.  Sam signed in and I found a small piece of bench for us to sit on.  We sat across from a woman with a toddler and a boy about Sam's age, playing a game on an iPad.  I took the opportunity to look around the room and observe human behavior, one of my favorite pastimes.  A few people caught my eye, but no one smiled, instead, they looked away as soon as our eyes met.  The exception is always the kids.  They are wide open and curious, and if I smile and give a little wave, they will always do the same back.  A bunch of little girls were in princess dresses, and I told one who was nearby that she looked beautiful.  She beamed with pride.  The kids who were on their electronic devices had not even looked up.  They stayed hunched over, disengaged.  The rest of the adults were on their iPhones, looking vacantly at the screens. It reminded me of some futuristic movie where no one was connected to another person, but all their interaction is electronic.  I did not see any of these "electronically engaged" people smiling.  I looked at Sam, and he was doing what I was doing, and I was surprised.  I asked if he had his phone, and he nodded, pointing to his pocket.  The toddler sitting in the stroller across from us began to fuss, and the mom reluctantly unbuckled her from her seat.  The little girl was adorable, and she and Sam began to interact.  She came over to me and I smiled at her.  The mom seemed relieved to have someone to talk to, as her son remained hunched over his iPad game.  We had a nice conversation and when they finally left, she had told me her life story, and I sensed that she needed some validation so I told her, "Your kids are beautiful and you seem to be a very good mom." She left with a smile on her face and I felt pleased that I had been able to give her some small part of what she needed.  I praised Sam for helping the mom with the little girl and he told me he actually enjoyed it!  We left, a little richer for the experience.

Humans are made to energetically interact with one another.  When you sit in front of a computer all day, take the opportunities you are offered to connect with other living beings.  We have become depressed and unfulfilled because, in part, we substitute electronic interaction for actual human contact, and that is not enough to survive on!  We have developed into this pattern because we have grown fearful of interacting with others, since we have experienced most of our pain from others. I was in the same boat not too long ago, but I am peeking out of my shell and finding that as I am loving and open to others, they are responding in kind.  Not every time, but more and more often.  Next time you are in a grocery store, or other public place, try saying hello to people, and smiling.  You may be pleasantly surprised at how good it feels!

Go forth, and conquer, in LOVE.

Be the Change

Do you often find yourself saying things like, "I have no choice," or, "I have always done it this way"?  Most of us fall into patterns without realizing it, and we resist change, which is human nature, so we find ourselves stuck and unhappy, and tell ourselves this is how it has to be.  Change can be painful and uncomfortable, but is it really any worse than staying stuck in a rut where you are unhappy every day?  There is a fine line between accepting what IS, and pushing yourself to make changes. A recent personal situation has left me feeling vulnerable and raw.  I find that, in these times, I have two choices.  The first choice is to run away from this feeling, which is really just a form of denial and self punishment.  The second choice is to "sink in" to the feelings, surrender to the pain, and let yourself find clarity in that reality.  Neither choice is really harder than the other, but we have been programmed as a society to avoid emotional pain like it is the plague, thus our friends rally around us, and bring us distractions, thinking they are "helping" but really just enabling us in our denial.  In the end, you will just keep repeating the scenario until you learn the lesson.  As yourself how many times you want to go through the experience and make your choice from there.  Sometimes we need to go through it a few times before we are ready to make changes.

Another key is your EGO.  Ask yourself why you need to be the winner, or right, or in any way acknowledged by others.  Do you need validation because you do not really believe in yourself?  Do you need others to love you in order to love yourself?  Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth" talks about this phenomenon.  If you can really let go of your ego, you can get out of your own way and start to see true change in your life.  The ego serves no purpose in moving us forward in life.  It is the cause of our pain and anxiety.  Letting go of the need for others to acknowledge you is very freeing.  Ask yourself why you need that, and you will soon see that you do not really need it at all.

The next time you find yourself saying something like "I guess this is just how it is,"  stop and ask yourself, "Is this what I really want?"  and if your answer is no, you have the power to change it.  Step out of the fear and see your choices start to shift your reality.  Do something risky and different.  Above all, make choices based on LOVE, and it will always be the right choice.  If your intentions are to love yourself, and others, there is nothing bad that can come of that.  It may not always go as you thought it would, but in the end, it will be the truth.

....'Cause you had a bad day

January 9, 2013 I wrote this a year and a half ago, and I am happy to report that I no longer have these kinds of days.  I consider this a HUGE step and really love the validation that comes from reading it.  Thank you to all who have been a part of this shift for me!

June 21, 2011

Today started out in a promising way, just like any other day.  However, it soon became clear that the shifting that has been slowly sliding me downhill was going to take me very quickly into that lower realm.  It started with another argument with my mother, about truth.  Her truth is different than mine, but she insists it is “fact”.  I keep telling her that neither of us is wrong, but she can’t make her truth my fact.  This baffles her and we go around in circles endlessly.  I finally realize that I have to let her think I agree with her before we can move on.  It is slightly like arguing with a child only I am constrained by my desire to pay her the respect and homage that I feel she deserves.

Update:  My mother and I have now eased into a very rewarding, loving relationship, and I actually look forward to talking with her now.  Mom, if you are reading this, thank you for being the best mom a girl could have!  You are my number one supporter and I love you!

I then have to call the credit card company and ask for them to lower my interest rates, as I am not working and I really want to pay the card off, so them charging me 25% interest is counterproductive.  After going through 15 minutes of questioning, and answering a lot of personal financial questions, I am told they don’t have that “available” for me.  REALLY?????  I hold back my biting remark and hang up the phone.

Update: I stopped paying my bill a few months later, and I plan to pay it all back as soon as I can, but their lack of willingness to work with me at the point when I needed it, made the decision to stop paying, that much easier for me. Thank you, big corporations that care nothing about the consumer:) 

I then set off to pick up my son from school. On the way in, I watch a woman park her car in front of someone’s driveway, and I point this out to her.  She waves it off, saying, “I’ll just be 5 minutes”.  I come out 25 minutes later and her car is still there.  I stop myself from calling the parking enforcement, telling myself, “It’s none of my business”.  Why does it piss me off so much????

Update:  This still makes me cringe when I see little "injustices" in the world, but more and more I can trust that I do not need to get involved and fight everyone's battles for them.  I know that I have my hands full with my own boundaries and issues.  Not to say that I would not stand up for someone if I saw them being mistreated, but on issues like this, where the other person is responsible for setting the boundary, I have to let people learn their own lessons.  

The last straw comes when I arrive back home, coughing and sick (as I have been for the past 3 weeks), and my son and his friend are playing a video game, ignoring the fact that I asked him 4 hours ago to please do the dishes so that I can start dinner when I get home.  I remind him and he waves me away, saying, “I’ll get to it”.  I bite back my response, not wanting to embarrass him in front of his friend, but an hour later, when he still hasn’t done it, I raise my voice and remind him AGAIN.  “Mom!  Stop bugging me!”  I LOSE IT.

Update: My son and I had a heart to heart talk after this incident, and he felt really badly for his part in my "bad day".  He is only 18 and still learning how to interpret and respond to other's feelings.  We came up with a system for preventing these types of situations in the future, and it is much better now.  Additionally, we found and treated the mold problem in our house, so I have not been sick again:)

This is the part of the story where I go into my room and cry.  But about 10 minutes into that, I realize, this is my life. So I wipe away my tears and go into the kitchen and start dinner.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Conclusion:  As I have learned to set boundaries and stop taking responsibility for everyone else, my life has gotten much calmer.  My book was a culmination of all I learned from these experiences, and many many more that were similar.  My most fervent wish is that I can help all of you never have this kind of day either! 

What do YOU think?

Wow, Welcome to the year 2013.  I don't know about you, but I am excited for the promise it brings.  I have been working on making lots of changes, and I think many of you are moving into a place where you can share more of yourself with others, and release the fear that has kept us isolated for so long.  A few nights ago, I had a dream, which I felt was the culmination of many things, but the message was very clear:  Focus more on ME, and stop giving my power away. The Dream:

I found myself in a beautiful castle, decorated with many tapestries and luxurious items, each room more pleasing than the next.  I became aware that, while I did live here, none of the rooms were MINE.  I began to search diligently for a door that would lead to what belonged to me, and I eventually found myself with my hand on a doorknob that I knew led to the basement.  I opened it, and as I descended, the glow was palpable.  I was reminded of Aladdin's cave, as my eyes took in jewels, gold, and piles of treasures, as far as the eye could see!  I knew within the depths of my soul that THIS was MY ESSENCE.  My entire house/life had been spent asking others, "What do you think, what do you want?," and this had resulted in a house/life that, while beautiful, was not my truth.  As I stood in awe of my very pure and original essence, I realized that I had never before truly known my essence, untainted by others' expectations or ideas for me.  I had let my need to "heal" or "help" others, get in the way of what I needed to do for myself!  I bowed my head in gratitude and vowed to myself to always put myself first, from this day forward.  In love, I would give myself my essence, and others are welcome to share it, but no one can take it.

My life has taught me many things, and I am grateful for each lesson that I have learned, for they have been my stepping stones for where I have landed today, which I am eternally grateful for.  My work is not done, by any means, but I know that I have begun a new path today, and from here on out, I will honor myself FIRST, for my pure essence is what I must always nourish.  I am a healer, and I know this is on my path of purpose, but I can heal others from a place of love for myself, instead of giving myself away.  To share your essence and honor your truth is the greatest love of all, is it not?

Happy 2013, wishing you all the best for this next year, and beyond!  Namaste.

Are we having fun yet?

No matter who you are, at some point in your life, you will find yourself feeling sad, or anxious, or even depressed. I was talking with a friend the other day, saying, "I feel like a fraud! I wrote a book on how to be happy, and I am NOT happy today." She pointed out, "No one is happy ALL the time, that's scary!" I realized that the human experience is about all of us, and that includes emotions of all kinds. As we interact with people and circumstances around us, there will always be challenges and obstacles. That is the nature of life, and the entire human experience. The difference between being happy, or sad, or anything else, is in how you handle it. Do you allow one experience to ruin your day? Do you allow one person to make your life miserable? This is an important distinction. When someone cuts you off in traffic, do you scream and yell and stay mad for an hour? Do you call a friend and vent to them about it? Or, do you have a little anger flare up and then let it go? I have noticed, that in the past year, my newfound contentment has allowed me to let things go much more quickly. I don't stay in the hurt as long. A recent painful experience with another person caused me to shed a few tears and feel very hurt. But, I was able to meditate and release the negativity, therefore, allowing me to process what happened, and even though I am still very sad about it, I am not storing it inside my body and feeding off the hurt it caused. I now have the ability to move through it, get under it, and use it as a lesson.

Most of us are moving through life, balanced on a tenuous thread of emotion. A lot of us have experienced so much pain that we have become bitter and cynical. What we don't realize is that we have become the very thing that hurt us in the beginning. We sit atop our castle of pain, with a sniper rifle, waiting for the next person who comes along. As soon as they do anything that could be construed as offensive, BAM! They are now the enemy, and we can proclaim to all the world that we have slain another "bad person."

The problem with this is that we do not give anyone a chance to get past that gate, because we are too afraid to trust. We exist behind our pain, and it is very lonely. We are "safe", but at what cost? Do you really want to live your life in pain? The only way to get past this hurdle is to start taking chances, and come down from your perch. As hard as it is, you must slowly start to trust that not every single person is out to get you. A couple of years ago, I was in this place. I had been so hurt and betrayed that I didn't even trust myself to talk to people. So, I became withdrawn and isolated. I built up walls to protect myself, and I healed. In the recent year, I had to force myself to smile at people. At first, it felt fake. But gradually, people began to respond positively, and I expanded into talking to people. Now, I can smile and speak to strangers without any fear. Sometimes, people are still rude and hateful, but they are the exception. Most people will treat you the way you treat them. And this is where I want to live.

Wishing you all the very best of holidays! Say Hello to someone new today:)

Are you RIGHT?

I don't know of anyone who wakes up and says to themselves "I'm going to do the WRONG thing today".  Even Ted Bundy had a justification for why he did what he did.  So tell me, why would you assume that the person who cut you off in traffic had a personal vendetta against YOU?  We all have reasons and justifications for the things we do.  Sometimes, we can even admit that what we DID was wrong, but think about it:  Would you pursue a course of action if you really thought it was the wrong thing to do?  I don't think our minds would allow us to do that.  It's not humanly possible.

Next time someone does something that causes your anger to surface, ask yourself if you think they purposely tried to make you upset.  If the answer is no, then perhaps you can ask questions instead of making accusations.  When you launch into a full scale attack to an unsuspecting individual, you are now the one who is creating the problem.  Instead, you could ask, "What did you mean by that?"  or "That makes me feel uneasy" and see what the response is.  If they really ARE trying to make you upset, then maybe you can ask yourself if you are willing to give them control of your emotions and let them pass you the "pain baton", as I have discussed in my earlier post.  And, as far as the person who cut you off in traffic, let's go ahead and assume that he is in a hurry because his wife just called and wants him to stop at the store on the way home to pick up medication for their sick child.  Because, you really don't know anyone else's situation, and does it serve you to sit in your car and fume?  Maybe your focus on that car in front of you will cause you to cut someone off, and the wave continues.

When you step outside of your ego, and really think about it, other people are generally just trying to get through their day, believing that they are right, and good people.  We ALL want to be right.  Just make sure that you are not more concerned with being right, than being accurate.  Taking a deep breath and asking questions is the best way to let everyone come out with a good feeling, and pass along the "love baton".

Let love prevail!

Perfection Smerfection

Perfection is totally overrated.  All my life, I have had people accuse me of being "perfect" or of thinking that I am "perfect."  This always confuses me.  Inside my little world, I am completely and totally IMperfect.  I beat myself up to the point that it is not healthy.  I cry and scream and lose my temper.  I find myself having to apologize to many people.  I have even been guilty of sending a couple of hotly worded emails to my boss and coworkers.  I have learned that what I think of myself is not at all congruent with what others think of me, and this fact disturbs and confuses me.  Consciously, I think I am one of those people who "lets it all hang out."  I also get accused of being "too sensitive."  If I were to build my life around what others think of me, I would be a study in inconsistency. I have become acutely aware that most of what others think of you is actually a projection of themselves.  When I am accused of being "perfect," this is a reflection of another person's perceived IMperfections of themselves.  Why else would someone be crazy enough to think that I am without flaws? Or, even more astounding, that I THINK I am without flaws?  When I am accused of being "too sensitive", this is simply their insecurity about being INsensitive.  Next time you find yourself on the other end of an accusatory finger pointing, think about it this way and see if it makes sense to you.  I have found that it makes a lot of difference in how I respond, and I can stay calm.  I can even have compassion for the fact that this other person needs to release some of their pain so that they can feel better.  I don't have to accept it, but I can watch them let it go.

I have had a really busy and emotionally crazy week so far, and it's only Tuesday!!  Today I came home to a mess and yelled at my son.  I found myself apologizing to him after I had taken a few deep breaths.  My overwhelming day is not his problem.  I can find validation in this situation, and I know my son will be the first to tell you, I AM NOT PERFECT!  I am more human than I would like to be, some days.  So next time you find yourself judging another person's behavior, think about it from the other side.  Allow yourself to be human and practice forgiveness for yourself, as well as others.  I promise it will not make you perfect:)  And why would you want to be?