The Well of Souls

There are moments in our lives where we are forced to redefine ourselves in such a dramatic way, that it feels like a birth.  When faced with challenges that seem insurmountable, we have two choices:  give up, or forge ahead.  Sometimes we have to just cry, and scream, and beat the hell out of some pillows, to get to the point where we can calmly face the challenge.  Other times we need good friends to talk to us, and support our growth.  But the one thing that is always constant in these situations is that you will never forget this time.  So, how do you want to remember it?  Do you want to recall yourself striking out at the person you want to blame, hurting them, forcing them to take on your pain?  Or do you want to look back and smile at the way you tentatively started down your new path, with only a book of matches to light the way? I am currently facing a challenge which scares me on a very basic level. Instantly, I found myself surrounded by angels, who I call my friends.  They reminded me of my own strength, and how much I have taught them, and I started to see the light of hope.  You see, when you give up, you are missing the chance the grow in such a way that your life will change forever.  And that is always a good thing.  ALWAYS.  I have faced many challenges and life choices which seemed completely without meaning, and were so painful that I experienced it on a physical level.  But I always emerged from that experience with a deeper understanding of who I was, and how much I could handle.  Sometimes, I have to go back and apologize to those who I may have hurt in my process.  This time, I want to conduct myself with dignity, and send out love and positive energy, so that I can look back and say that, no matter what the outcome, I created something from it.  And isn't that all we can do?

I know that some people would take pleasure in my downfall, but I can not let that stop me from reaching for the stars.  I have taken steps which leave no footprints, but only propel me forward.  I am reminded of that scene in Hercules, where he is falling into the well of souls.  The longer he is immersed in that pit of death, the more life is drained from him.  I must take the hands of the ones who love me and want to see me succeed, and let them help me out of the pit.  I will then be able to heal myself and continue on my path of happiness and love.  I refuse to let the dying drag me down with them.

Like the legend Gloria Gaynor says, "I will survive!"  And I will.  Peace to you all this day.

Abundance for all

Most, if not all, of my blogs are inspired by conversations with friends. This one is no exception. In speaking with a dear friend today, we realized together that most people fall into one of two categories of success. One is prosperity, or wealth. The other is successful relationships. Have you noticed that, when you see a monetarily wealthy individual, with a successful career, most of the time, they are not in a healthy romantic relationship? Many times, they do not have close friends, but instead, they seem to substitute the job/career/money for relationships entirely. Conversely, those who are surrounded by friends and have a healthy happy life are generally poor, or relatively so. What are the factors which contribute to this deficit?

Some of the best people I know are poor as dirt, but would give you the shirt off their back. I know many people who have huge mansions but are all alone in them. What is going on here? I believe that we have accepted the fact that if you are rich, you are "greedy". Society has separated us by class, forbidding the rich to socialize with the poor, by making everything about wealth. We have all bought into this, choosing to believe that to be poor is to be pious and "spiritual". What if we all stretched that belief within ourselves and allowed ourselves to be both "good people" as well as wealthy? There does not have to be such a large gap between wealth and health.

Organized religion plays a large part in this fallacy, as well. We are told to give all our money to the church/God, and that if we keep any of if for ourselves, we are "sinful." Again, this is an extreme, which does not serve us as individuals. If we create the awareness of this issue, perhaps we can start to turn it around. These days, we are constantly hearing about "the 99%." Well, perhaps this is partly the choices that we have unconsciously made. You CAN be happy and rich, and have healthy relationships. It is not "selfish" to enjoy the money that you have accumulated for yourself. You can not "save the world" but you can perhaps "save yourself." If you can create happiness for yourself, then you can pass along the knowledge of how to do this, thus you have done far more for others than giving them a few bucks would do. Yes, others will judge this, but if you are secure with your choices, this will not bother you.

I am on a mission to "have it all," and I believe that we can all do this together! There is no shame in wealth, and there is also no shame in doing the things that make you happy. Pass it on.

Over vs. Under

How many times have you been struggling with an issue, and someone has said to you, "Just get over it!"???? I have found this to be invalidating and unhelpful when it comes to really resolving something. I recently heard a friend telling herself this very thing, and I encouraged her to, instead, "get UNDER it." By this I mean, do not push aside your feelings, but instead, use them to teach yourself something. This may be labeled by some as "over analyzing," or even "obsessing," but to me, when life hands you a lesson, would you not be wise to learn from it, instead of forcing yourself to look past it? When you bury your feelings about something because you can't explain them, you are cheating yourself.

From the time you are a young child, you are taught that certain feelings are not acceptable. You are conditioned to push those feelings aside and not honor them, simply because you can not rationalize them to others. So I ask you, why is it that your personal feelings are subject to approval from others? Why aren't we allowed to feel how we feel and not have to explain it in a way that others are comfortable with it? Aren't your own feelings about YOU? Aren't your personal thoughts for YOU?

When I was growing up in a house with three older brothers, I learned that my tears always brought me more pain, in the form of ridicule. There was no help for the little girl who was in pain, and I shut it down as fast as I could. As you can imagine, I grew into a young woman who was afraid to show any emotions, and for me to let others see my tears was not acceptable. The reverse was also true, as I didn't want to see others cry, reminding me of my own unshed tears. Most people are uncomfortable with your emotions because they are not comfortable with their own. I would like to ask that we give people room to be sad, mad, or angry, and not tell them to "get over it" but rather, help them "get under it." Because underneath all those irrational feelings is a brand new lesson and path for those few brave souls. Allowing others to have their feelings without any judgement is healing for you as well. Sometimes you have to feel the pain in order to allow the release.

Happy Weekend, all you brave souls!!!!!

Life after death

I have been spending a great deal of time and energy on sadness these last few weeks. A friend took his life in a violent way, and the ripple effect is felt, even though we had not spoken in quite some time. He was always a bit of a lost soul, tortured and sweet, all at once. Most were not even aware of his ongoing inward battle, but I have a sixth sense for this, as I myself experienced it at one point in my life. The day that I died was the best day of my life. Obviously, it was not a permanent state for me, and when I woke up in the hospital bed, I knew that I had been given a second chance. The universe had a plan for me that was bigger than my desire. At that time, I was an empty shell of a person, and had no idea what I was going to do with my life. My strongest desires were to drink and party, escaping the endless turmoil, which rolled inside me constantly. The point where I decided I had nothing left to live for was my restart button. For my friend, it was the point where he finally escaped his pain. The family and friends who are left behind are now bearing his pain, and in many ways, this seems unfair. Suicide is a very selfish act, because it leaves an imprint so strong that the people who bear it, are often unable to move past it. It shapes their lives in ways which creates a self destructive pattern of guilt and fear. When decisions are made in this space, they are following a path of destruction and self punishment.

Having been on the other side of this path, I can now see the crater of emotions which is left. Looking for the positive almost seems irreverent. However, I can tell you, having been the person trying to leave the planet at one time, the suicide victim does not want others to feel sad for them. Leaving the planet is all about them feeling better, it is not about making others feel worse. I know that my friend would want everyone to remember him as a happy, playful person, and his intent was always to make others happy. He ultimately felt helpless to do this, and he gave up. To him, this was the only option left. The pain of death was a release.

To this day, I feel that my death was my awakening. I was able to make peace with all those I needed to, and it turned my life around. I'm not sure I would have ever ventured as far off my then current path as I have now, which has resulted in many positive events in my life. It pushed my mind to expand in ways which I never even knew possible. I am grateful that I can sit here and write this with joy and gratitude to the universe for providing me with all the information I need to succeed in my human existence.

In death, there is rebirth. Namaste.

Spring into your destiny

As the old saying goes, "Put up or shut up". While this is a bit negative, it does get the point across in it's own way. If you are constantly telling anyone who will listen, that you are "great", or "happy", or even "a good friend", who are trying to convince? I see the desperation behind these statements. If someone has to go around and proclaim these types of things, they are likely the exact opposite of what they claim.

We grow up aware of the fact that if we are sad or angry, no one will want to play with us. The crying child in the corner gets very little positive attention, while the funny child attracts all the friends. Which one would you want to be? At risk of being ostracized, we force ourselves to be happy and cheerful even when we are sad and angry inside. As adults, this creates a depth of anger and resentment which spills over onto those who we feel safe with. These people are the ones who have shown us that they love us no matter how we feel, and so we aren't afraid to lose them if we show all facets of our emotions. However, this also results in us having people in our lives who are superficial. These are the friends who want to go out partying with you but are always "busy" when you are ill and need someone to go to the grocery store for you. We lean on our loved ones more than ever, and then we start to feel guilty for burdening them. As the years of resentment and unhappiness build up, we desperately try to convince others that we are "happy" and "fun," as we feel our pain increase and start to take over. The people who see us for who we are and want to help us are pushed away by our desperation, and we find ourselves in a cycle of pain which seems to have no end. We blame everyone else for our problems and slowly we lose ourselves in that negative cycle. Eventually this anger is no longer able to be restrained and we turn to medication and sometimes, psychoanalysis. Many people never emerge from this stage, and their lives are structured around doctor appointments and friends who are willing to listen and nod, never challenging them.

The cycle can only end when you are really willing to look at yourself and face your pain. It is no one else's "fault" that you are unhappy. It is your responsibility to create good things for yourself. If you are constantly complaining about how you got "screwed" by this person, or how you got "cheated" by that person, you are missing out on the opportunity to grow and evolve. When you have a special talent for finding the negative in every situation, and are determined that everyone else should share this fear and pain with you, well, you are going to be a lonely person. There is a fine line between reality and negativity. Certainly there are things which happen from time to time that are not as I planned, but if I look at them as "bad", then I am simply giving up my personal power. Instead, try looking at things as fact. "My car needs new brakes and I just lost my job," is a recent incident which transpired. I can choose to go into fear and panic, or I can choose to move on and trust that whatever comes next will be a better job and I will find a mechanic who will charge a reasonable price. Nothing will be resolved by me staying in fear and crying for days at a time. In fact, this will keep good things out of my life. My boss was abusive and I needed to leave that job anyway. In her firing me, she is giving me the chance to find a better situation for myself. So, I can honor her and thank the universe for giving me this opportunity.

"Create the life you have imagined" Henry David Thoreau

Growth and other things that hurt

My life's path is shifting, and this is painful. Today was a pivotal day for that change. It seems as though setting boundaries really pushes things along quickly. When a person speaks to me in an abusive way, and I stand up and say "Please stop! I don't deserve this!" whatever the result of that interaction is what is right. If you stay in an abusive situation because you are scared of what awaits you outside of that, you are not being true to yourself. Speaking up and saying no is showing yourself the respect that you deserve. If the abuser reacts angrily, you know you are really onto something! Loss is always painful, even if you know it is the right thing. I have loved and lost many times, and I am sure I will do it again at least a few more times. I will not stop loving, as a wise friend told me, "You can not really get hurt unless you take things personally." If I love myself and really know that I have value, no one can tell me otherwise. If you think you are stupid, and someone else tells you that they think you are, too, that is going to hurt. If you don't have a problem with your intelligence, and someone calls you stupid, you will laugh because it just seems silly. In that way, you are responsible for your own feelings and thoughts. No one can "make" you feel any way that doesn't already exist within you.

As I go about my day, I can make choices which blame others and avoid some of the pain. But in the end, I will just prolong the agony, as it will more than likely keep coming up until I deal with it myself. Your pain, or unhappiness is within you, and you will not find a permanent resolution outside of yourself. I'll take that pain now so that I can grow and evolve and welcome my next experience. I make mistakes daily, and laugh at myself as much as possible. Sure, there are moments of pain and sadness, but they are always replaced with something else, and I have even learned to welcome them, in a strange way. I trust the process and I trust myself.

To quote my favorite yoga teacher, "Don't be a human "doing," be a human "being." Wise words. Namaste.

Mother's Day 2011

When I was born, I was the girl my parents always wanted, after three boys. My brothers were wary of me, since I was welcomed in such a different way than my predecessors. They were to use me as their human guinea pig for many years to come, and the verdict was, "Yep, she cried. I guess that firecracker between the toe is painful."  My mother was overwhelmed and underpaid, as she was a typical housewife, with four kids to wrangle. We were expected to go to church three times a week, and not bother my mother, or we would get a spanking when my dad got home. If he walked in to us fighting, we were likely to go to bed without eating dinner. The first time I tried a cigarette (and threw up) at the encouragement of my brother, I tried to tell my mother but was hushed quickly, "That must have been a dream, your brother would never do anything like that." I learned that anything I told my mother was likely to get this response, unless it was good news. If I was hurt, or sad, or confused, I was to go to my room and not come out until I "was happy again." I idolized my mother, as she seemed to be able to always be happy, and not let anything or anyone make her upset.  As a child, I wished I could be like her, and always smile, no matter what happened. I began to write when I was 5 or 6, and I would hide my book under my pillow, so that anytime I had a problem, I escaped to my room and wrote, or read, until it went away. My mother used to tell me to "Stop reading and go outside!" but it was the only way that I could be sure that no one would hurt me. I would read for days on end, and it became my escape. The city librarian knew me by name, and became exasperated with me after I had read "everything in the children's section." She sent me upstairs at the ripe old age of 7, where I discovered the much larger world of young adult literature. I was set free in this wonderland, and thus began my adult education. From time to time, my mother would ask me what I was reading, and I almost always lied, since she would not have liked me reading "Goodbye Mr. Chips" at 8 years old. As the years have turned into decades, I have realized that my mother was genuinely doing her best to hold it together for us. As I have grown, and am now also a mother, she and I have come to a certain understanding about our relationship. I do not judge her or hold her accountable for my life's struggles. I thank her for her part in what made me the woman I am today. Though unwittingly, she helped me develop tools for life, and, I am happy to report that I have discovered a certain amount of inner peace. Knowing that hers was born out of the same instinct as mine, self preservation, is somewhat enlightening. There seems to be a very fine line between inner peace and insanity, and while she may have skirted the edge of that gap for some time, I think she and I have found a place where we can both exist in our own form of peace. So Happy Mother's Day, to all of you, and to my mom, who I respect and love with all my heart.

How high do you go?

I was explaining to my teenager the concept of a "pain threshold," and as I was telling him how, as newborn beings, we have nothing to compare our pain to, and so every little bit of discomfort is an occasion for crying. This is truly the epitome of "living in the moment". As we grow older, we experience more pain, and we realize it has an end, and we start to understand that certain types of pain are more uncomfortable than others. Emotional pain is also learned, manifesting early on as fear, usually of punishment or even physical pain. These emotional lessons cause us to make choices which are designed to avoid pain, and thus begins our lesson on denial and self deprecation. The pain threshold increases, and as we grow older, we start to understand that we can actually "check out" of this emotional option, using distractions such as alcohol, sex, drugs, and food. We block our pain and therefore we block our lessons. if you take pain medication for your physical pain, it can sometimes result in you re-injuring yourself, since you are blocking your nerve's communication with your brain, which is your warning from your body. In the same way, blocking your emotional pain can cause you to continue to repeat the same mistakes and therefore, never recover from that injury.

The last few days have been painful for me, and I have been tempted to create distractions for myself. But as I sat at home last night, more alone than I have been in a while, I found a place in myself which enjoyed that, and welcomed the pain as a teacher. Today I feel a little sad, but it is nothing I can't "handle." Relationships teach me a lot about myself, and when the other person is in more pain than I am, I have to reach inside myself and use the resources I have created from past pain. This is a gift, and one I use quite often. Creating the space to let this happen is key. Hope everyone had a great holiday!

Whatever you do, don't look down.........

I seem to have some issues with letting go of certain relationships. I wonder if I am the only one? In recent years, I have built up a support system, which has helped me through some tough times. However, at what point is this actually enabling my constant cycle of depression and self punishment? At first, it was a welcome distraction from the life that had completely fallen out from under me. I was 35, divorced, with two kids. I was used to being with someone ALL the time, whether it be the kids or my husband, who I really didn't even like, but he was a PERSON. After I told him to leave, I spent a lot of time wondering what the hell I was thinking???? I promptly went out and found a new person that I could use to fill that hole. Repeat, repeat, repeat. I now find myself in a transition, where I have thinned out my friends so much, that i could count on one hand, the people who I can truly talk to, and depend on. I know who I can call if I want to party, but I really do NOT want to distract myself any more. This new place I am going into is still not clear to me. But I can no longer see behind me, so I have little choice but to go forward. There are definitely days that I wish I could go back to the days where I puked in the gutter, and woke up with no memories. But there is a bigger part of me that recognizes that I am not that person anymore. I could not any more go back to that than I could pretend I don't know how to drive. It's become a reflex, and the alternative is not appealing to me at all. I want to be living my life in a way that makes me feel good without using others along the way. I want to develop relationships which are mutually beneficial, not just a crutch for a habit which isn't respecting anyone involved. When I am tempted to call my ex and arrange a nice distraction for myself, I am not tempted for long. I realize that all this is behind me now, and I am moving forward. To move backwards would only cause me pain.

As the days stretch into weeks, and the months fold out before me, I am determined to stay positive and looking in the direction of my goals. I have to make important choices which will deliver me into the land of my dreams. I am the only one who can make these choices, and they are hard, but coming easier as I realize that I am breaking patterns, which is therefore creating new patterns. If I allow these old patterns to shape my life, I will be unhappy and unable to be quiet with myself. What others think of me is irrelevant, it is only my opinion of myself which counts.

Earthquakes and Aftershocks aka decisions

Decisions are like earthquakes. You never know when one is coming, but you better be ready for it when it does! Throughout life, we are faced with many decisions, some big, some small. No one else can make these for us, as we know ourselves best. When you are young, your parents help you make what they deem to be "good" decisions. As you get older, you naturally start to assert your independence and make some in your own. My 8 year old insists on choosing his own "look," and this is very important to him. If his shirt and pants don't work together, he will pull something out of his laundry hamper. That won't work for many more years:) My 15 year old makes most of his own decisions, and sometimes he screws up. He is smart enough to recognize this, "Oh, man, I stayed up too late last night", and sometimes he will correct himself, other times he will choose to play the odds. We talk a lot about personal responsibility and choices, and I share with them that I don't always make the right decision, but the important lesson is there anyway.

I recently chose to end a very important relationship in my life. I agonized over this for months, many tears were shed, and many harsh words exchanged. In the end, I realized that I was more miserable IN the relationship than i could POSSIBLY be out of it. As I typed up my good bye email (he prefers this), I cried and agonized over the words with which to end this in the most positive way I could. It took me an hour to write 4 sentences, but in the end, I realized that I wasn't trying to resolve anything, I just needed to set the boundary so that I could move on. The way he chooses to respond, or not respond (which is more what I anticipate), is not my responsibility. I am only in charge of my own behavior, which I believe has been honest and forthcoming throughout the relationship. As I hit the "send" button, more tears flowed but then a feeling of peace came over me, and I breathed deeply for the first time in days. This felt right, and I was assured that I had made the right choice. I feel sad and I will have a period of grieving, but I know that it had to be done. As if that wasn't enough, the sun came out for the first time in a week, five minutes after I sent it!

As the days pass, I am interested to discover how my life will shift as a result of this decision. This was definitely a "big" one. Over the years, I have found that the bigger the decision, and the harder it is , the more things change after you make it. I am excited to accept what the universe has to show me now! Peace to you all on this beautiful day.

Train wreck? or not?

Sometimes we can feel a change coming, like a train bearing down on you in the dark. You can't see it, but you can feel the change in the air, and the electricity. You are strangely transfixed, afraid, but yet too curious to move. All of a sudden, someone turns on the light, and you see that it is stopping for you to get on. Your fear is dissolved, and you board, confident that wherever you are going will definitely be better than where you were. As the train picks up speed, and your hair is gently lifted in the breeze, you feel the peace that comes with making the right decision.

Today I am faced with what I know to be the "right" decision, but I am afraid. Afraid of the unknown, and yet, that inner voice is telling me that in order to move into a new place, I must take the chance that is given to me. I choose to trust that. My journey begins.

Making things work ... or not?????

Do you ever wonder why, when you want something REALLY badly, you seem to lose it? And then, when you let it go, and you are truly over it, it comes back? I believe this happens for several reasons. First, when you try to "make" something work, it feels forced, or fake. And especially when other people are involved, they will resist. Even the meekest of souls will instinctively back away from being pushed into something. If you have to push to make something work, then it isn't meant to be. Consider the alternative: letting things happen on their own. You will have to relinquish control, but there is a freedom in that. The freedom of not pulling the strings 24/7. The ability to relax and trust that things will be the way they are supposed to be. I see this time after time. The fact of the matter is that these opportunities are there for us every day. We have to simply identify them. Only then can you make a conscious decision to let the universe, God, or whatever you believe in, take over. Be proactive, and absolutely don't let life pass you by, but there is also a place of peace, where you can let things take their natural course. The next thing that happens is that you stop trusting the natural course of things. If someone says they will call you, and then repeatedly doesn't, what do you do? Do you call them and try to fix it? Or do you let it go, realizing that this person isn't matched up with you at this point in your life? I used to be the former kind of person, now I strive to be the latter. I realized that people will do the things they really want to do, and if being my friend isn't that high on the priority list, that's fine, but I deserve better. I'm not saying that these people are bad, but you can certainly choose to surround yourself with people who appreciate you and genuinely want to nurture a friendship. We match up with others when it is right. Not everyone is evenly matched, and yes, there IS someone for everyone:).

My goal is to trust the universe to lead me in the direction that I'm supposed to be going. Only then will I know true peace. Otherwise, I'm destined to spend my life trying to micro-manage my life, and THAT is an exhausting concept. Wishing you all peace and contentment during the holidays!!!

Busy, Busy, Busy

I've always wondered about these people who keep themselves so busy that they don't have time for anything but putting out fires. I watch them run around like crazy and I wonder if I'm missing something? I don't LIKE to be that busy, but I don't think I'm lazy. I need to have a balance between busy and relaxed. Some days are more one than the other, but generally I get plenty of time to relax and I also feel that I accomplish things and contribute to society.

I've come to realize that most of the time, when you keep yourself so busy, it's generally a symptom of a much bigger issue. In order to be still and listen to your inner voice, you have to make space. And if you keep yourself running around like crazy, there is no time for that. We keep ourselves distracted from really looking at what is underneath that. This is an entirely subconscious choice, but in order to reverse this, you have to make a conscious choice to do so. If you find that you are constantly overcommitted, then learn to say no. Make a space for yourself and put it at the highest priority. For me, this is usually something I do by myself, such as a walk on the beach, or meditation. You have to decide to give to yourself in order to gain the rewards of introspection. If you are constantly going at top speed, you are going to miss all the sights along the way, and what is the rush, anyway? There is no prize for finishing first. If in doubt, and you are making a choice, ask yourself these things: "When I am on my deathbed, which thing will I remember?  Will I wish I had worked more? Will I wish that I had given more to myself?"

I think the answers are clear.

Fear Factor

I hear people say all the time, "Once I figure out what I'm doing, I'll move forward." Isn't this backwards? Don't you have to move forward to figure out your life? Life experiences are what shape us. We have to fail in order to learn how not to. When I hear someone say something like this, I know for sure that they are not in charge of their life. I wonder if THEY know that? Probably not. Fear is a horrible teacher. When you make choices based on what you are afraid of, it may feel like the safe choice, but in the end, it is the least rewarding one. Do you want to live life being "safe?" Or do you want to learn and grow as much as possible? My friend is in a relationship with a guy, where they are both insecure. Neither of them is able to ask for what they want, and even though they have been together for a long period of time, she is unhappy and, I suspect, so is he. I encouraged her to ask for what she wants, and she is afraid. Afraid that he will not give it to her. So is the better choice to stay in a relationship where you are unhappy, and never get your needs met? Or are you better off facing that fear, speaking your truth, and possibly getting what you want?  And, in the end, you will ALWAYS get what you want, even though it may not seem so at the time. If a relationship ends because you asked for your needs to be met, well then, great!  Now you can find someone who appreciates you and can give you everything you want and deserve. It may not feel good at first, but let me tell you, it is the better place to be. Anxiety and insecurity are NO WAY to be in a relationship. If you choose to be in your truth you will ALWAYS win.

Hot ... or Not???

I'd like to talk about senseless things for a minute. When I'm having a bad day, and complain to someone about it, and they say, "Come on, your life can't be that bad, you're hot!" I think this is a very ill informed person. Everyone is human, and everyone suffers from human interaction. For example, women don't tend to like me much. I'm not sure why, but it happens. So, every once in a while, I am the victim of someone's psychotic break. My neighbor, who is a woman, really hates me. One morning, when I was getting my son ready for school, she came over and decided to have a freak out on my front porch. The day before, I had called the cops on her kids, who were stadium blasting rap music into my bedroom window. She decided to scream at me about this. She proceeded to tell me that I should "move if I didn't like it". I told her that maybe THEY should move, if they wanted to be that loud. This, she did not like. She then put her hand through the screen, trying to punch me, and I closed the door and called the police. She stood in my front yard, screaming obscenities at me, for a good ten minutes. My son hadn't ever heard some of the words she used, and was asking me about it. When the police arrived, she denied everything, and they basically told me that I needed to videotape her next time. Otherwise, nothing they can do. It has been about 9 months since this incident, and I still get threatening phone calls from her, and she yells at me when I drive by. Her teenage daughter also likes to call me a whore when I drive by. I have the video camera ready, and next time I hope she doesn't really hurt me. So I ask you: How does me being hot help me in this situation? I actually think it may be part of the reason she hates me. She used to be a hot blonde woman, and now she is overweight and clearly unstable. I'm happy and she isn't. People hate others for being happy. Ever noticed that? It's a very strange phenomenon. Be miserable and unattractive, and you are ignored. Be happy and healthy, you are a reminder to others that they are not. How about if we just stop judging others and focus on our own issues? I don't think there is any shortage of those.