5 Dates with Yourself

When I began my "journey" into Happiness, I was asked the question, "What do you do for yourself?"  This had to be something that didn't involve a lot of money, or any other person/people.  It had to be a solitary activity that was pleasing to me, and no one else.  At first, I had a really hard time coming up with even one thing.  But now, years later, I have a list, and here are 5 of my favorites: 1.  Walking on the beach: 

Sometimes, I go twice, depending on how busy my day is, or how stressful.  I have even been known to go at night, to listen to the crashing of the waves against the shore. Once you find your happy place, it is truly a sanctuary.  Winnie the Pooh knew he needed a "thinking spot," and so do you!

2. Enjoying some good food

For me, this means one thing:  sushi.  Obviously, everyone is different in their likes and disikes, especially when it comes to food.  Find something that you enjoy, but make sure you are eating "consciously." Enjoy and savor the flavor and texture.  I take mine to go, because I don't like sitting in a restaurant alone, but many people have no issue with this.  Do what works for you, this is, after all, YOUR date.  Sometimes, I cook for myself, too.

3. Music

There are so many variations of this one, that I didn't specify.  Technically, music involves others, since the musician is performing, but you can listen alone, so I think it's still fair game.  For the purpose of really serving your higher self, I would encourage you to find some music that is uplifting, and calming.  You may even find that the you enjoy what you used to call "elevator music," and "old person music." Since no one else is involved in this decision, it will just be our little secret.  No one else needs to know what kind of music really speaks to your inner self.

Lady Antebellum's "Compass"

4. Meditation

This has been a huge part of my path in recent years.  There are many different types of meditation, and you do not have to sit in the lotus position for a day to acheive results.  You may have preconceived notions of this word, but I assure you that if every one of us took 30 minutes a day to simply sit in silence, the world would be a much better place.  Being still and quiet is difficult for those of us who have spent a lifetime trying to distract ourselves.  However; once you master it, the rewards are great, and endless.  There are lots of great resources online for learning this ancient and lost art.

5. Water

Again, there are tons of variations on this one, I personally enjoy a nice salt bath, but you may enjoy swimming, a jacuzzi, or something along those lines.  Water has a very effective grounding effect, and you can also use it for powerful visualizations of washing away energies, cords, etc.  I like to meditate in the bath, listening to music.  When I go to let the water out, I visualize all my stress and energy from others that I have collected over the last day, washes down the drain.  You can do a quick version of this with a shower.  Again, make it your own, it's your time to give to yourself.

Making time to nourish your inner light is key to finding contentment and Happiness.  As a good friend of mine says, "Happiness is found many different ways, and each are as varied as the soul who is searching for it."

Happiness from Within

How would life be different for you if you could not see, hear, or speak?  At first, you may think this would be awful, but think about it:  You could not HEAR any negativity.  You could not SEE anything but what is inside you.  And you would not SPEAK any harsh words that you could not take back.  And so we learn from Helen Keller, to live without outside distractions, is the greatest gift of all.  People pay thousands of dollars to live in remote areas, and it is often the wish to “escape” from society.  This just proves to me, once again, that happiness is found in YOU.  It is not outside of you, just ask Helen.  She was one of the most inspirational people of her time, because she was free from all the outside influences that may have discouraged her, she could not hear all the voices that said, “You can’t do that!”  She was free to pursue her heart’s desire because she didn’t know failure was a possibility.

My son goes to school with a boy who was born blind.  He seems happy, and is always smiling.  My son asked me, "Mom, what do you think it would be like to be blind?"  I wasn't sure how to answer the question, so I asked him what he thought (classic parenting trick). He talked about how he would miss the colors of the world, and knowing what everyone looked like.  I reminded him that this boy had never known any of that, so he wasn't aware that he was even "missing" anything.  We then discussed how, if you only had your other senses, it would affect your perception of yourself.  It was concluded that, in many ways, to be blind is freeing.  As Helen Keller, and many others, have discovered, you have what you need inside you already.  Most of us are shaped by the opinions of others, whether it be our family, friends, or acquaintances.  If we are to really find our truth, we have to dismiss anything that did not originate from our inner selves.

To be physically "blind" is not the worst thing that could happen.  However; to be spiritually "blind" is extremely damaging.  How many times have we watched a loved one self destruct?  How many people have destroyed themselves, because of what others think?  Often, finding your inner truth is the key to survival.  A woman who used to be a close friend of mine recently ended her life.  She was a beautiful person, but did not know it.  She was tortured by the limits that others had forced upon her, and never had the confidence to shine her own light brightly.  I tried to help her, but the damage was too severe.  She eventually shut me out, and then, she shut down.  When I learned of her passing, I was sad, but not surprised.  There are countless examples of this type of situation, and I am sure we all know of at least one person who this has happened to. That person who never quite fit in, and was never really content with themselves, and finally ended up on a path to nowhere, whether it be drugs, drinking, or even suicide.  I know, because I was on this path at one time.

Shine your own light, and do not be afraid of it!

Living in Consciousness

At some point in our lives, we start to realize that we have emotional baggage.  Perhaps someone points it out to us, or perhaps we are shown by circumstances.  However the information reaches you, it is your responsibility to take the next step.  Most people live unconsciously; meaning, repeat the same patterns over and over again, bemoaning the same result with all their "friends," finally coming to the conclusion that you need a drink, vacation, meaningless fling, or shopping spree, to make you "feel better.' After you have successfully avoided your emotions, the whole process repeats itself over and over until there is a breaking point.  The most common breaking point is illness, but injuries (physical or emotional) are at the top of the list, as well.

20 years ago, I was married to a wealthy man, planning a family, and generally not concerned with the future.  11 years later, I became a divorcee with two sons, and the playing field changed.  Suddenly, I had to deal with lonely nights, financial issues, all while maintaining a brave face for my two young sons.  I resorted to drinking as a companion, along with all the habits that come along with that choice.  After a few years of this, my body broke down and would not allow me to drink any longer.  I would become violently ill after a drink or two, and my "friends" dropped away, as I wasn't entertaining to them any longer.  I was forced to look at all my baggage, and it was not pretty.  I soon found other distractions, and one of them was food, and cooking.  I became immersed in cooking, health, and diet.  It was fun while it lasted, but soon, I was unable to afford the expensive ingredients that I needed, and so again, I was at a loss.  I spent a few difficult years learning how to balance my budget, and the shopping addiction was revealed.  I had a huge closet full of clothing that I never wore, for one reason or another.

Finally, I began to realize that I had been placing my Happiness in external things, and people, instead of just dealing with my baggage and creating my Happiness from within.  I didn't need to take another class, or read another book, I just needed to search myself for the answers that were there all along.  I am reminded of a quote from a song by America: 

"Oz never gave nothing to the Tin Man, that he didn't already have."

10 years after my divorce, I am now building a career that I love, my oldest son is in college, and I am Happy. I don't have a lot of money, or a huge group of friends, but I am rebuilding my ideal for who I want to be.  I am free from the expectations of wearing designer clothing and drinking bottles of wine.  I am excited to go on my beach walks, and spend time with my younger son.  I have discovered that the simple pleasures in life are best when you come from a place of contentment and peace. I do not need any distractions to accept and enjoy who I have become, after unpacking a lot of baggage, and getting rid of those things which do not serve my higher purpose any longer.

Be free, and be Happy!

Action, or RE Action?

How many times have you defended yourself with the protest, "But he/she started it!"  Of course, you may not use those words, as I would hope we have all moved on since kindergarten, but I still hear people justifying their behavior by comparing it to other's actions on a regular basis. Your actions stand alone, and if you constantly find yourself saying things like, "He/she really hurt my feelings!" or "He/she made me angry!" then you are in a pattern of REaction. This translates into giving away your personal power, letting someone else dictate your actions. We have all had this experience, as we all have egos, and that part of us enjoys drama. One of my favorite "zen stories" of all time goes like this:

 Is That So?

The Zen master Hakuin was praised by his neighbors as one living a pure life.

A beautiful Japanese girl whose parents owned a food store lived near him. Suddenly, without any warning, her parents discovered she was with child.

This made her parents very angry. She would not confess who the man was, but after much harassment at last named Hakuin.

In great anger the parents went to the master. “Is that so?” was all he would say.

When the child was born, the parents brought it to the Hakuin, who now was viewed as a pariah by the whole village. They demanded that he take care of the child since it was his responsibility. “Is that so?” Hakuin said calmly as he accepted the child.

A year later the girl-mother could stand it no longer. She told her parents the truth – that the real father of the child was a young man who worked in the fishmarket.

The mother and father of the girl at once went to Hakuin to ask his forgiveness, to apologize at length, and to get the child back again.

Hakuin was willing. In yielding the child, all he said was: “Is that so?”

 Hakuin could have defended himself and made a huge drama out of this, but he accepted the child and raised it in a peaceful, loving environment.  As the mother clearly was not ready to raise the child as her own, he accepted the gift from the Universe and likely gained some knowledge of his own.  When we defend ourselves, or allow the ego to take over, we are creating drama where there does not need to be.

Next time you find yourself "mad" or "hurt," ask yourself if the words you are about to say, or the action you are about to take, can stand alone.  If you are cut off in traffic, and, in turn, flip off the other driver, take out their action and leave yours in the equation.  Is this who you are? Or is that you reacting to them?  The answer is clear. In beginning to live a conscious life, and turning around your actions so that they are yours alone, you will start to see an inner calm that perhaps has eluded you until now.

"Your actions should not be contingent on someone else's.  Stand alone in love!"

Knowledge vs. Wisdom

How many times have you been in a situation and even though you knew it wasn't a good idea, you went ahead with it anyway?  How many people tried to tell you not to do it?  And how many times did you beat yourself up when you kept making the same choice?  This has happened to me many times, mostly in relationships.  I know the person is not good for me, all my loved ones tell me the situation is bad, and yet, I still seem to need to walk the path. I end up hurt, and mad at myself.  The most annoying advice in the world is: "Just don't do it!"  To me, this is useless.  I can choose not to do it, but I find that the universe finds ways to keep putting these situations in my face, until I learn the lesson.

Some time ago, I dated a man who was not good for me. He was basically unavailable, however; he was honest, and loving.  This was a departure from all my other failed relationships, and so I explored it a little bit.  All my friends told me to stop seeing him, and I tried, repeatedly, until he just laughed at me every time I tried to break up with him.  This continued for three years, until, one day, I just realized that I wasn't interested in him anymore, and I stopped calling him, and stopped agreeing to see him.  It wasn't until I really surrendered, that the lesson was complete.  Sometimes, when you fight something, you create more resistance to it.  My life has been a series of these things.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I am pretty much going to do what I feel I need to do, regardless of your plan for my life.

I realized long ago, that pleasing others with my actions and decisions, has not worked out well for me.  It isn't an angry space, but it's a space of loving myself.  If you become angry because someone "doesn't listen" to your unsolicited advice, that is not about them, it is all about YOU.  If you are searching for validation in other people's choices, and lives, then you have a much bigger issue that you need to address.  I don't have the energy to run my life, and yours, and everyone else's.  If you have the time, energy, and inclination to try to control other's lives, then you are clearly not dealing with your own life effectively.  This is not to say that we can't help others, if asked, and if we do not have a personal agenda on the outcome.  We have to let everyone figure out their own lives, because, otherwise, are we not insulting them, by assuming they can't deal with their own issues? Let's support each other in our truths instead of looking to validate our own doubts and insecurities by telling everyone else how to live.

Knowledge that you should not do something, is very different than the wisdom to make a different choice.  Knowing that you should not have that pint of ice cream, doing it anyway, and then feeling guilty afterwards, is a cycle that I see often.  I always tell my friends, "If you are going to do something, enjoy it! If you aren't going to enjoy it, then why do it?"  Otherwise, what's the point?  Many of us are in this cycle with food, relationships, work, etc.  We tell ourselves that we are "good people" and yet we are killing our inner light, by not really doing the things that make us happy and fulfilled.  Of course, then, we need to give ourselves "treats" and this is usually in a food based form.  What if your treat to yourself was to do something you really enjoy, with no care about what anyone else thinks you "should" be doing?  "Oh, you're so irresponsible/lazy/selfish, you did ______ instead of ______ ......" The things that fulfill you and really nourish your soul are your TRUTHS.  Live more in your truth and watch your life transform.

If we are constantly feeling as if we "have no choice" and "have to do this," where is the joy in life?  Parents are especially susceptible to this trap.  We are allowed to put ourselves first sometimes.  Your kids will respect you for it, and they will follow your example.  My kids will sometimes suggest that I take a few minutes "off the clock" because it makes me a happier mom.  It is not "lazy" of me to go into my room and meditate, instead of making a 5 course dinner.  It is nourishing my soul and taking care of myself so that I can take care of my kids better.

Do something every day that nourishes you, and watch your happiness meter rise!  I would love to hear your stories, please feel free to email me at andrea@happiness.com .  Love and blessings!

Karma: is it yours, or theirs?

I hear a lot of people saying things like, "Karma got them!  Yay!" or, "That person finally got what they deserve!" and it makes me sad.  I am sad because this is very clearly a negative view of the world and your fellow man.  I have come to realize that, in our hurt and pain, we have chosen to take pleasure in another person's pain and hurt, thus perpetuating the cycle.  No matter what someone else has "done" to you (more on this in my other post), YOU are responsible for YOUR personal karma, and the way you act towards another living being, determines what this is.  It is totally separate from blame, or punishment.  The way you treat others is YOUR KARMA, they way they treat others is THEIRS ALONE.

Many of you know that I struggle a lot with a neighbor family.  They seem determined to be difficult, hateful, and completely uncooperative, no matter WHAT I do.  Recently, I sent them a very strongly worded email, asking them to please respect the property lines, which they are not currently doing.  They sent me a message back, basically, saying, "Eff you!"  I was upset and extremely disappointed.  I have tried to trust the universe to help me set loving boundaries, but it never seems to work with these people!  I tried to respond in a way that kept my boundary clear, but was not mean spirited.  They did not reply.  The next day, I noticed that the mother (who is the most angry and tortured of the entire family), had become very ill.  At first, I was "happy that she got what she deserved."  I then realized that no matter what she has "done" to me, no one "deserves" to be sick, or ill in any way, and I decided to pray for her and send her healing energy.  Is it difficult?  YES. But since I believe we are all connected, who am I REALLY hurting by sending her negative and hateful energy?  That's right, I am hurting myself, as well as adding to the mass of negativity that already exists in the world.  I do NOT wish to participate in that.

I have a favorite quote from Pema Chodron which I think of often, especially in situations like this:  "Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know." It gives me a good perspective when I look at relationships which have been a constant struggle for so many years.  What is my lesson in those situations?  Perhaps it can give us a perspective on those long standing feuds we have with certain family members.  Why did we bring these people into our lives, if not to teach us something about ourselves?

Next time you find yourself taking pleasure in someone else's pain, ask yourself if that is the kind of person you want to be.  It is actually a big shift, and it may take some time, but once you realize that we are all in this together, perhaps you can find your compassion, and love for others, as well as yourself.  Do you want to spread love, or hate?  It's an easy choice, once you really recognize your pattern.  We can make a difference, one consciousness at a time!

Do something randomly nice for someone today, without any chance of recognition.  I like to leave change next to parking meters.  It's fun!  Spread the goodwill and you will soon find it transforming your life.

Are you honoring your agreements?

I was raised to be honorable.  This means a lot of things, and everyone may have a different interpretation of what it means to them personally.  My understanding of it is to basically, do what you say you are going to do.  One of my favorite books, The Four Agreements, calls it "Being impeccable with your word."  I have come to realize that sometimes, we honor our agreements with other people, and sometimes, this hurts us.  Now, you may be thinking, "I can't be selfish!  I have to do what I said I would!"  But, hear me out, as this is a different kind of agreement, I am talking about the unspoken agreements we make with other souls, on an unconscious level.  Neither party is really consciously aware of these agreements, but they are very powerful and can often hurt both sides, in an ongoing pattern of destruction.

You may or may not believe in past lives, but if you do, this has an even deeper meaning, for you may have agreements with other souls and carried these with you for many lifetimes.  This creates certain patterns which result in painful experiences, time after time, that cause us to be unhappy and frustrated.  For now, let's just talk about this lifetime, since I think we can all agree on that.  Many spiritual teachers believe that we are born carrying certain agreements with our family members.  Let's use a hypothetical agreement you might have with your sister.  Suppose you made an agreement with her to take care of her, no matter what.  How can that be a bad thing?  Well, it can be a good thing in early childhood, but, as we grow and evolve, you both may "grow out" of the agreement, and this creates tension between you.  Your sister doesn't know how to break that agreement, so she starts to do self destructive things, such as drugs, alcohol, or other self defeating behaviors.  This makes you come to her rescue time after time, and enables that agreement to be "honored."  You are both, unknowingly, staying in that pattern, because you do not know any other way to be.  If you try to stop saving her, the guilt overwhelms you, and the voice inside your head warns you that "she could die, you must save her!" She continues to need you, and you continue to rescue her, until someone "breaks the agreement."  This is sometimes called "tough love" or "betrayal."  It is very painful when it happens, and often, there is not a resolution for a very long time.

Something I have been saying to myself a lot lately is "Someone is going to be upset if you (set that boundary), is it going to be YOU, or the other person?"  Often times, we choose to honor these unspoken agreements instead of honoring the fact that we need to move on and take care of who we are today.  Sometimes, you can talk to the other person and you can both become aware of the agreement, and work together to break it.  More often, you must break it on your end and deal with the "energetic fallout."  If you have a therapist or trusted advisor to help you with this, it is ideal.  You have to be in a strong confident place in order to really set the boundary and truly break that agreement.  The other person will not really understand why you are changing your behavior, and they may escalate their behavior to try to hook you back in.  I have recently had a person in my life with whom I had to break an agreement, and he was very unhappy about it.  He tried every tactic he could, including threatening suicide, to get me back, but I stood firm.  I knew that if I kept rescuing and healing him, he would never evolve into the person he had the potential to be, and I would eventually grow to resent him tremendously.  Both of us have to move on in order to reach our potential and blossom into the beautiful flowers that we are meant to be.

I have learned this, and a lot more, at True Insight Spiritual Center.  They are a great resource if you are feeling lost, frustrated, or stuck with your life.  Please feel free to email me with questions, as well, or to request a reading from my Services page.

Many blessings, Andrea

Are you in a Rut?

We are told at an early age that to be "lazy" is to be "bad."  The trouble with this adage is that the definition of "lazy," seems to be a bit hazy (accidental rhyme).  I touched on this in an earlier post, and it has come to my attention again, due to recent events.  The opposite of lazy is, arguably, to be productive.  What is behind the mindset of someone who does not want to be, or is not able to be, productive?  It is our old friend, Fear.  Fear of success, failure, and many other things.  Perhaps you have tried to be productive in the past, only to have your achievements invalidated and dismissed as "not good enough."  Whatever the reason, if you are in a place of healing, I believe you are producing exactly what you need at the exact time you need to do it.

Getting out of a rut is hard.  You have to first recognize that you are IN the rut, then you have to find the way out.  Many times, we are stuck because we have turned off our "opportunity radar."  These missed opportunities come in many forms, big and small.  I have recently been working with a company that is going to revolutionize the economy, healthcare, and business practices as a whole.  Since we are a start up company, we have to bring in referrals of qualified people we know.  I am calling all the people I know who struggle financially, and the ones who need the most help are the ones who are the most hesitant!  It is a classic lottery situation.  The "lottery curse," as we call it, culminates with the big money winners being in the same, or worse, financial situation than they were in when they won the money.  This is a classic example of being in a rut and following established patterns of lack and devaluing oneself.  One of my favorite ways to illuminate these patterns for people is to ask one question:  "And how is that working for you?"  No one has ever said "It's working great!", and that will usually result in a conversation where they can see that they need to take a chance and put themselves out there in a different way.  Another great example of this is the movie "Yes Man," where the main character attends a motivational seminar and has to take a vow to start saying Yes to all the opportunities around him.  His life undergoes a HUGE change and in the end he lands in a very different place, and is fulfilled and happy.  He spent all his time saying No, and ended up alone on his couch.  Comfortable, but alone and unhappy.  How's that working for you?????

In order to be "productive," we must first heal the part of us that is scared to take chances and say Yes to these opportunities that are everywhere.  Start recognizing the choices you have, instead of playing the victim and feeling sorry for yourself. This is just your Ego having a temper tantrum, as a good friend told me once.  If you spent a day with me, you would see me taking a lot of time to collect my thoughts and meditate.  When I feel overwhelmed, I find space to breathe and recenter myself.  This allows me to be MORE productive, but to the casual observer, it may look as though I am being "lazy."  A good friend bragged to me, "I never sit down!"  and I wondered if she realizes that she is falling into that old belief system.  If you never sit down, you are living in distraction and chaos.  If that WORKS for you, great. But honestly, I can't imagine that it would be working for anyone.  Taking the time for yourself is NOT being lazy.  Running around like a crazy person 24/7 is NOT being productive.  Find your balance and find your peace.

Wishing you all peace and blessings on this beautiful day!

Where are you?

Distraction has been the theme of this past month.  I see opportunities everywhere, and I see everyone doing it.  We have become a society of distraction, which ultimately leads to unrest and dissatisfaction.  We put off dealing with our thoughts, because, well, that's BORING.  We put aside those unpleasant thoughts and issues because that's HARD.  Well, news flash: You are cheating yourself out of the life experience by ignoring the opportunities you are being shown.

Yesterday, my son Sam had an audition in Los Angeles.  We arrived a bit early and walked in to a full room of people, ages 0-50.  Sam signed in and I found a small piece of bench for us to sit on.  We sat across from a woman with a toddler and a boy about Sam's age, playing a game on an iPad.  I took the opportunity to look around the room and observe human behavior, one of my favorite pastimes.  A few people caught my eye, but no one smiled, instead, they looked away as soon as our eyes met.  The exception is always the kids.  They are wide open and curious, and if I smile and give a little wave, they will always do the same back.  A bunch of little girls were in princess dresses, and I told one who was nearby that she looked beautiful.  She beamed with pride.  The kids who were on their electronic devices had not even looked up.  They stayed hunched over, disengaged.  The rest of the adults were on their iPhones, looking vacantly at the screens. It reminded me of some futuristic movie where no one was connected to another person, but all their interaction is electronic.  I did not see any of these "electronically engaged" people smiling.  I looked at Sam, and he was doing what I was doing, and I was surprised.  I asked if he had his phone, and he nodded, pointing to his pocket.  The toddler sitting in the stroller across from us began to fuss, and the mom reluctantly unbuckled her from her seat.  The little girl was adorable, and she and Sam began to interact.  She came over to me and I smiled at her.  The mom seemed relieved to have someone to talk to, as her son remained hunched over his iPad game.  We had a nice conversation and when they finally left, she had told me her life story, and I sensed that she needed some validation so I told her, "Your kids are beautiful and you seem to be a very good mom." She left with a smile on her face and I felt pleased that I had been able to give her some small part of what she needed.  I praised Sam for helping the mom with the little girl and he told me he actually enjoyed it!  We left, a little richer for the experience.

Humans are made to energetically interact with one another.  When you sit in front of a computer all day, take the opportunities you are offered to connect with other living beings.  We have become depressed and unfulfilled because, in part, we substitute electronic interaction for actual human contact, and that is not enough to survive on!  We have developed into this pattern because we have grown fearful of interacting with others, since we have experienced most of our pain from others. I was in the same boat not too long ago, but I am peeking out of my shell and finding that as I am loving and open to others, they are responding in kind.  Not every time, but more and more often.  Next time you are in a grocery store, or other public place, try saying hello to people, and smiling.  You may be pleasantly surprised at how good it feels!

Go forth, and conquer, in LOVE.

Are we having fun yet?

No matter who you are, at some point in your life, you will find yourself feeling sad, or anxious, or even depressed. I was talking with a friend the other day, saying, "I feel like a fraud! I wrote a book on how to be happy, and I am NOT happy today." She pointed out, "No one is happy ALL the time, that's scary!" I realized that the human experience is about all of us, and that includes emotions of all kinds. As we interact with people and circumstances around us, there will always be challenges and obstacles. That is the nature of life, and the entire human experience. The difference between being happy, or sad, or anything else, is in how you handle it. Do you allow one experience to ruin your day? Do you allow one person to make your life miserable? This is an important distinction. When someone cuts you off in traffic, do you scream and yell and stay mad for an hour? Do you call a friend and vent to them about it? Or, do you have a little anger flare up and then let it go? I have noticed, that in the past year, my newfound contentment has allowed me to let things go much more quickly. I don't stay in the hurt as long. A recent painful experience with another person caused me to shed a few tears and feel very hurt. But, I was able to meditate and release the negativity, therefore, allowing me to process what happened, and even though I am still very sad about it, I am not storing it inside my body and feeding off the hurt it caused. I now have the ability to move through it, get under it, and use it as a lesson.

Most of us are moving through life, balanced on a tenuous thread of emotion. A lot of us have experienced so much pain that we have become bitter and cynical. What we don't realize is that we have become the very thing that hurt us in the beginning. We sit atop our castle of pain, with a sniper rifle, waiting for the next person who comes along. As soon as they do anything that could be construed as offensive, BAM! They are now the enemy, and we can proclaim to all the world that we have slain another "bad person."

The problem with this is that we do not give anyone a chance to get past that gate, because we are too afraid to trust. We exist behind our pain, and it is very lonely. We are "safe", but at what cost? Do you really want to live your life in pain? The only way to get past this hurdle is to start taking chances, and come down from your perch. As hard as it is, you must slowly start to trust that not every single person is out to get you. A couple of years ago, I was in this place. I had been so hurt and betrayed that I didn't even trust myself to talk to people. So, I became withdrawn and isolated. I built up walls to protect myself, and I healed. In the recent year, I had to force myself to smile at people. At first, it felt fake. But gradually, people began to respond positively, and I expanded into talking to people. Now, I can smile and speak to strangers without any fear. Sometimes, people are still rude and hateful, but they are the exception. Most people will treat you the way you treat them. And this is where I want to live.

Wishing you all the very best of holidays! Say Hello to someone new today:)

The Well of Souls

There are moments in our lives where we are forced to redefine ourselves in such a dramatic way, that it feels like a birth.  When faced with challenges that seem insurmountable, we have two choices:  give up, or forge ahead.  Sometimes we have to just cry, and scream, and beat the hell out of some pillows, to get to the point where we can calmly face the challenge.  Other times we need good friends to talk to us, and support our growth.  But the one thing that is always constant in these situations is that you will never forget this time.  So, how do you want to remember it?  Do you want to recall yourself striking out at the person you want to blame, hurting them, forcing them to take on your pain?  Or do you want to look back and smile at the way you tentatively started down your new path, with only a book of matches to light the way? I am currently facing a challenge which scares me on a very basic level. Instantly, I found myself surrounded by angels, who I call my friends.  They reminded me of my own strength, and how much I have taught them, and I started to see the light of hope.  You see, when you give up, you are missing the chance the grow in such a way that your life will change forever.  And that is always a good thing.  ALWAYS.  I have faced many challenges and life choices which seemed completely without meaning, and were so painful that I experienced it on a physical level.  But I always emerged from that experience with a deeper understanding of who I was, and how much I could handle.  Sometimes, I have to go back and apologize to those who I may have hurt in my process.  This time, I want to conduct myself with dignity, and send out love and positive energy, so that I can look back and say that, no matter what the outcome, I created something from it.  And isn't that all we can do?

I know that some people would take pleasure in my downfall, but I can not let that stop me from reaching for the stars.  I have taken steps which leave no footprints, but only propel me forward.  I am reminded of that scene in Hercules, where he is falling into the well of souls.  The longer he is immersed in that pit of death, the more life is drained from him.  I must take the hands of the ones who love me and want to see me succeed, and let them help me out of the pit.  I will then be able to heal myself and continue on my path of happiness and love.  I refuse to let the dying drag me down with them.

Like the legend Gloria Gaynor says, "I will survive!"  And I will.  Peace to you all this day.

Abundance for all

Most, if not all, of my blogs are inspired by conversations with friends. This one is no exception. In speaking with a dear friend today, we realized together that most people fall into one of two categories of success. One is prosperity, or wealth. The other is successful relationships. Have you noticed that, when you see a monetarily wealthy individual, with a successful career, most of the time, they are not in a healthy romantic relationship? Many times, they do not have close friends, but instead, they seem to substitute the job/career/money for relationships entirely. Conversely, those who are surrounded by friends and have a healthy happy life are generally poor, or relatively so. What are the factors which contribute to this deficit?

Some of the best people I know are poor as dirt, but would give you the shirt off their back. I know many people who have huge mansions but are all alone in them. What is going on here? I believe that we have accepted the fact that if you are rich, you are "greedy". Society has separated us by class, forbidding the rich to socialize with the poor, by making everything about wealth. We have all bought into this, choosing to believe that to be poor is to be pious and "spiritual". What if we all stretched that belief within ourselves and allowed ourselves to be both "good people" as well as wealthy? There does not have to be such a large gap between wealth and health.

Organized religion plays a large part in this fallacy, as well. We are told to give all our money to the church/God, and that if we keep any of if for ourselves, we are "sinful." Again, this is an extreme, which does not serve us as individuals. If we create the awareness of this issue, perhaps we can start to turn it around. These days, we are constantly hearing about "the 99%." Well, perhaps this is partly the choices that we have unconsciously made. You CAN be happy and rich, and have healthy relationships. It is not "selfish" to enjoy the money that you have accumulated for yourself. You can not "save the world" but you can perhaps "save yourself." If you can create happiness for yourself, then you can pass along the knowledge of how to do this, thus you have done far more for others than giving them a few bucks would do. Yes, others will judge this, but if you are secure with your choices, this will not bother you.

I am on a mission to "have it all," and I believe that we can all do this together! There is no shame in wealth, and there is also no shame in doing the things that make you happy. Pass it on.

Mother's Day 2011

When I was born, I was the girl my parents always wanted, after three boys. My brothers were wary of me, since I was welcomed in such a different way than my predecessors. They were to use me as their human guinea pig for many years to come, and the verdict was, "Yep, she cried. I guess that firecracker between the toe is painful."  My mother was overwhelmed and underpaid, as she was a typical housewife, with four kids to wrangle. We were expected to go to church three times a week, and not bother my mother, or we would get a spanking when my dad got home. If he walked in to us fighting, we were likely to go to bed without eating dinner. The first time I tried a cigarette (and threw up) at the encouragement of my brother, I tried to tell my mother but was hushed quickly, "That must have been a dream, your brother would never do anything like that." I learned that anything I told my mother was likely to get this response, unless it was good news. If I was hurt, or sad, or confused, I was to go to my room and not come out until I "was happy again." I idolized my mother, as she seemed to be able to always be happy, and not let anything or anyone make her upset.  As a child, I wished I could be like her, and always smile, no matter what happened. I began to write when I was 5 or 6, and I would hide my book under my pillow, so that anytime I had a problem, I escaped to my room and wrote, or read, until it went away. My mother used to tell me to "Stop reading and go outside!" but it was the only way that I could be sure that no one would hurt me. I would read for days on end, and it became my escape. The city librarian knew me by name, and became exasperated with me after I had read "everything in the children's section." She sent me upstairs at the ripe old age of 7, where I discovered the much larger world of young adult literature. I was set free in this wonderland, and thus began my adult education. From time to time, my mother would ask me what I was reading, and I almost always lied, since she would not have liked me reading "Goodbye Mr. Chips" at 8 years old. As the years have turned into decades, I have realized that my mother was genuinely doing her best to hold it together for us. As I have grown, and am now also a mother, she and I have come to a certain understanding about our relationship. I do not judge her or hold her accountable for my life's struggles. I thank her for her part in what made me the woman I am today. Though unwittingly, she helped me develop tools for life, and, I am happy to report that I have discovered a certain amount of inner peace. Knowing that hers was born out of the same instinct as mine, self preservation, is somewhat enlightening. There seems to be a very fine line between inner peace and insanity, and while she may have skirted the edge of that gap for some time, I think she and I have found a place where we can both exist in our own form of peace. So Happy Mother's Day, to all of you, and to my mom, who I respect and love with all my heart.

Train wreck? or not?

Sometimes we can feel a change coming, like a train bearing down on you in the dark. You can't see it, but you can feel the change in the air, and the electricity. You are strangely transfixed, afraid, but yet too curious to move. All of a sudden, someone turns on the light, and you see that it is stopping for you to get on. Your fear is dissolved, and you board, confident that wherever you are going will definitely be better than where you were. As the train picks up speed, and your hair is gently lifted in the breeze, you feel the peace that comes with making the right decision.

Today I am faced with what I know to be the "right" decision, but I am afraid. Afraid of the unknown, and yet, that inner voice is telling me that in order to move into a new place, I must take the chance that is given to me. I choose to trust that. My journey begins.

Having what you want

I watched "The Secret" again last night, and it really made me look at my thought processes lately. When we find ourselves in a negative place, where we are constantly expecting the worst, guess what? You will manifest that. If you expect to get bills every day and not have enough money, YOU WILL. So, I have developed a mantra. Any time I feel those negative thoughts coming in, I say to myself over and over, "Happy, Healthy, Wealthy", until I feel at peace again. And WOW it really works! A week after I started this, I find myself in a completely different place mentally. Things have started to move forward in my life again.

The Law of Attraction is simple. If you think it, you will manifest it. I think everyone can agree that we are basically life forms that run on pure energy. The atom is energy, and that is what our physical bodies are made of. If we focus all our energy on negative things, we will draw those things to us. So why not focus on drawing in all the things we want? I've always believed that If you focus on what you DON"T want, you will get that. So why not try focusing on what you DO want? Instead of, "I'll never find a parking place," "I bet I'll find a spot right away."  I gotta tell you, this really works!  Imagine what you could have if you really set your mind to it? I hear guys saying all the time, "I always end up with crazy women," and guess what? They are absolutely correct! I wonder what would happen if those same guys developed a mantra, "I will find the perfect woman for me," every time they hear this other negativity start up? I feel confident that they would notice a shift very quickly. Same with a job, or money, or health, or anything that you find is not as you want it. Why do some people have all the luck? The Law of Attraction. They have subconsciously developed a positive thought pattern which creates the things they want, simply by postulating it.

The way I see it, what do I have to lose by trying this? I have SO much to gain. I hope you all are willing to create the lives you can imagine for yourself.

Hot ... or Not???

I'd like to talk about senseless things for a minute. When I'm having a bad day, and complain to someone about it, and they say, "Come on, your life can't be that bad, you're hot!" I think this is a very ill informed person. Everyone is human, and everyone suffers from human interaction. For example, women don't tend to like me much. I'm not sure why, but it happens. So, every once in a while, I am the victim of someone's psychotic break. My neighbor, who is a woman, really hates me. One morning, when I was getting my son ready for school, she came over and decided to have a freak out on my front porch. The day before, I had called the cops on her kids, who were stadium blasting rap music into my bedroom window. She decided to scream at me about this. She proceeded to tell me that I should "move if I didn't like it". I told her that maybe THEY should move, if they wanted to be that loud. This, she did not like. She then put her hand through the screen, trying to punch me, and I closed the door and called the police. She stood in my front yard, screaming obscenities at me, for a good ten minutes. My son hadn't ever heard some of the words she used, and was asking me about it. When the police arrived, she denied everything, and they basically told me that I needed to videotape her next time. Otherwise, nothing they can do. It has been about 9 months since this incident, and I still get threatening phone calls from her, and she yells at me when I drive by. Her teenage daughter also likes to call me a whore when I drive by. I have the video camera ready, and next time I hope she doesn't really hurt me. So I ask you: How does me being hot help me in this situation? I actually think it may be part of the reason she hates me. She used to be a hot blonde woman, and now she is overweight and clearly unstable. I'm happy and she isn't. People hate others for being happy. Ever noticed that? It's a very strange phenomenon. Be miserable and unattractive, and you are ignored. Be happy and healthy, you are a reminder to others that they are not. How about if we just stop judging others and focus on our own issues? I don't think there is any shortage of those.