Are you RIGHT?

I don't know of anyone who wakes up and says to themselves "I'm going to do the WRONG thing today".  Even Ted Bundy had a justification for why he did what he did.  So tell me, why would you assume that the person who cut you off in traffic had a personal vendetta against YOU?  We all have reasons and justifications for the things we do.  Sometimes, we can even admit that what we DID was wrong, but think about it:  Would you pursue a course of action if you really thought it was the wrong thing to do?  I don't think our minds would allow us to do that.  It's not humanly possible.

Next time someone does something that causes your anger to surface, ask yourself if you think they purposely tried to make you upset.  If the answer is no, then perhaps you can ask questions instead of making accusations.  When you launch into a full scale attack to an unsuspecting individual, you are now the one who is creating the problem.  Instead, you could ask, "What did you mean by that?"  or "That makes me feel uneasy" and see what the response is.  If they really ARE trying to make you upset, then maybe you can ask yourself if you are willing to give them control of your emotions and let them pass you the "pain baton", as I have discussed in my earlier post.  And, as far as the person who cut you off in traffic, let's go ahead and assume that he is in a hurry because his wife just called and wants him to stop at the store on the way home to pick up medication for their sick child.  Because, you really don't know anyone else's situation, and does it serve you to sit in your car and fume?  Maybe your focus on that car in front of you will cause you to cut someone off, and the wave continues.

When you step outside of your ego, and really think about it, other people are generally just trying to get through their day, believing that they are right, and good people.  We ALL want to be right.  Just make sure that you are not more concerned with being right, than being accurate.  Taking a deep breath and asking questions is the best way to let everyone come out with a good feeling, and pass along the "love baton".

Let love prevail!

Perfection Smerfection

Perfection is totally overrated.  All my life, I have had people accuse me of being "perfect" or of thinking that I am "perfect."  This always confuses me.  Inside my little world, I am completely and totally IMperfect.  I beat myself up to the point that it is not healthy.  I cry and scream and lose my temper.  I find myself having to apologize to many people.  I have even been guilty of sending a couple of hotly worded emails to my boss and coworkers.  I have learned that what I think of myself is not at all congruent with what others think of me, and this fact disturbs and confuses me.  Consciously, I think I am one of those people who "lets it all hang out."  I also get accused of being "too sensitive."  If I were to build my life around what others think of me, I would be a study in inconsistency. I have become acutely aware that most of what others think of you is actually a projection of themselves.  When I am accused of being "perfect," this is a reflection of another person's perceived IMperfections of themselves.  Why else would someone be crazy enough to think that I am without flaws? Or, even more astounding, that I THINK I am without flaws?  When I am accused of being "too sensitive", this is simply their insecurity about being INsensitive.  Next time you find yourself on the other end of an accusatory finger pointing, think about it this way and see if it makes sense to you.  I have found that it makes a lot of difference in how I respond, and I can stay calm.  I can even have compassion for the fact that this other person needs to release some of their pain so that they can feel better.  I don't have to accept it, but I can watch them let it go.

I have had a really busy and emotionally crazy week so far, and it's only Tuesday!!  Today I came home to a mess and yelled at my son.  I found myself apologizing to him after I had taken a few deep breaths.  My overwhelming day is not his problem.  I can find validation in this situation, and I know my son will be the first to tell you, I AM NOT PERFECT!  I am more human than I would like to be, some days.  So next time you find yourself judging another person's behavior, think about it from the other side.  Allow yourself to be human and practice forgiveness for yourself, as well as others.  I promise it will not make you perfect:)  And why would you want to be?

Lazy, or Crazy?

Lately, I have been hearing a lot about people who are "lazy."  It's funny how this has become such a negative term. Growing up in the South, to have a "lazy afternoon" conjures up images of a sunny Sunday afternoon, swinging in the hammock on the front porch, while reading, visiting with friends, or simply lost in your own thoughts.  What, I ask you, is the problem with that? My ex boyfriend is a work-a-holic, and he tells me I am "lazy" because I don't work as much as he does.  I also take the time to sit with my kids and watch whatever show they want, and this is me "wasting time".  When have we become a society of constant productivity?  Why is it suddenly considered a bad thing to take time for yourself, and take days off from the merry go round of life?

I have a name for those who never get off the racetrack:  CRAZY.  Rhymes with LAZY, but means the opposite.  Seriously, my ex drinks himself into oblivion every night, and has no friends, but, by golly, he is PRODUCTIVE.  Really?  Because if that's what it means to be successful, I would rather be lazy.  I would rather have time to go down to the beach and walk, and breathe, and come home to a quiet night of reading and talking with friends.  I work hard when I work, and if you don't have a balance of quiet time, or time to yourself, you will very soon find yourself in the cycle of depression and despair which makes you feel the need to criticize others and justify your actions.  To judge others is simply an expression of jealousy.  If you find yourself needing to judge others in order to validate your own choices, you really need to take a step back and look at your own life.  I guarantee that, if you are truly happy with yourself, you will not feel the need to cause pain for others.

Take time to enjoy your life, TODAY, or it will have passed you by.  And in the end, when you have wealth, and possessions, but no one to listen to your deepest thoughts, and no ability to relax without alcohol or drugs, what have you really accomplished?

Wishing you all a very LAZY Sunday:)

The Well of Souls

There are moments in our lives where we are forced to redefine ourselves in such a dramatic way, that it feels like a birth.  When faced with challenges that seem insurmountable, we have two choices:  give up, or forge ahead.  Sometimes we have to just cry, and scream, and beat the hell out of some pillows, to get to the point where we can calmly face the challenge.  Other times we need good friends to talk to us, and support our growth.  But the one thing that is always constant in these situations is that you will never forget this time.  So, how do you want to remember it?  Do you want to recall yourself striking out at the person you want to blame, hurting them, forcing them to take on your pain?  Or do you want to look back and smile at the way you tentatively started down your new path, with only a book of matches to light the way? I am currently facing a challenge which scares me on a very basic level. Instantly, I found myself surrounded by angels, who I call my friends.  They reminded me of my own strength, and how much I have taught them, and I started to see the light of hope.  You see, when you give up, you are missing the chance the grow in such a way that your life will change forever.  And that is always a good thing.  ALWAYS.  I have faced many challenges and life choices which seemed completely without meaning, and were so painful that I experienced it on a physical level.  But I always emerged from that experience with a deeper understanding of who I was, and how much I could handle.  Sometimes, I have to go back and apologize to those who I may have hurt in my process.  This time, I want to conduct myself with dignity, and send out love and positive energy, so that I can look back and say that, no matter what the outcome, I created something from it.  And isn't that all we can do?

I know that some people would take pleasure in my downfall, but I can not let that stop me from reaching for the stars.  I have taken steps which leave no footprints, but only propel me forward.  I am reminded of that scene in Hercules, where he is falling into the well of souls.  The longer he is immersed in that pit of death, the more life is drained from him.  I must take the hands of the ones who love me and want to see me succeed, and let them help me out of the pit.  I will then be able to heal myself and continue on my path of happiness and love.  I refuse to let the dying drag me down with them.

Like the legend Gloria Gaynor says, "I will survive!"  And I will.  Peace to you all this day.

Be good to yourself

Most of us, at some point in our lives, are told, "Be nice!" Usually, this involves smiling and ignoring another's rude or offensive behavior. I ask you, why do we need to allow this type of behavior, and further, why are we discouraged from standing up for ourselves?

I witnessed a prime example of this the other day in line at the grocery store. We were all lined up to wait our turn, when a lady with a full cart walked past all of us, and started unloading her cart at the front register. I had already secured my place at the back register, but I turned to the woman behind me and asked, "Why don't you say something to her?" To which she replied, "I don't want to be rude." I was aghast, "SHE is being rude to YOU!" To which the woman appeared uncomfortable and looked down. I looked at the checker and we both shrugged. Why are we so afraid to stand up for what is right? Especially when it is our personal space that is being invaded? If it were me (and it has been many times), I would have politely gone up to the lady and said, "Excuse me, we are all waiting in line, the back of the line is here". Most of the time, people are embarrassed, because they simply do not know. Most people are not trying to be rude, and appreciate when someone gives them a gentle reminder. You don't need to be aggressive and confrontational.

The saddest example of this is when a child is abused. As I have said before, this has happened to me, and I was always "nice" to the men who invaded my most personal space. I never wanted to "offend" them, and I was being a "good girl" for going along with what they wanted. I was taught to think of others before myself, which ended up in disaster for me personally. Years later, in therapy, I was asked, "Why didn't you say no, or tell them to stop?" and my answer was always the same, "I didn't want them to be mad at me." I was literally willing to sacrifice the most precious part of my female body in order to "be nice." And that is where we have to draw the line. We can not allow people to abuse us, even if they get mad, and call us names (which has certainly happened to me in recent history). We have to feel confident in standing up for ourselves, because, if we don't, we are disrespecting the most important person, ourselves. If it makes me a "bitch" to tell someone that I do not like to be yelled at, or spoken to in an abusive manner, then, so be it. I will not allow myself to be invaded any longer, in the name of "being nice."

It is my most fervent wish that we can teach our next generation to say no in a kind manner. People seem to think that to say no is to be mean. This is not true. You can politely decline any invitations which do not suit you. When a solicitor came to the door, I politely said, "No thank you", and my kids hear this, which gives them comfort in saying, "No thank you" when they are offered drugs, or asked to compare body parts, or whatever the case may be. I am hoping that my example will empower them to say no in a way which is compassionate and understanding. I hear my teenager having these conversations with his peers and I am so proud of him. I hear him standing up for himself without being rude, and he is well liked at school, yet he does not "party" at all. Instead of teaching our kids to "be nice" to everyone but themselves, why can we not teach them to respect themselves, as well as others?

Abundance for all

Most, if not all, of my blogs are inspired by conversations with friends. This one is no exception. In speaking with a dear friend today, we realized together that most people fall into one of two categories of success. One is prosperity, or wealth. The other is successful relationships. Have you noticed that, when you see a monetarily wealthy individual, with a successful career, most of the time, they are not in a healthy romantic relationship? Many times, they do not have close friends, but instead, they seem to substitute the job/career/money for relationships entirely. Conversely, those who are surrounded by friends and have a healthy happy life are generally poor, or relatively so. What are the factors which contribute to this deficit?

Some of the best people I know are poor as dirt, but would give you the shirt off their back. I know many people who have huge mansions but are all alone in them. What is going on here? I believe that we have accepted the fact that if you are rich, you are "greedy". Society has separated us by class, forbidding the rich to socialize with the poor, by making everything about wealth. We have all bought into this, choosing to believe that to be poor is to be pious and "spiritual". What if we all stretched that belief within ourselves and allowed ourselves to be both "good people" as well as wealthy? There does not have to be such a large gap between wealth and health.

Organized religion plays a large part in this fallacy, as well. We are told to give all our money to the church/God, and that if we keep any of if for ourselves, we are "sinful." Again, this is an extreme, which does not serve us as individuals. If we create the awareness of this issue, perhaps we can start to turn it around. These days, we are constantly hearing about "the 99%." Well, perhaps this is partly the choices that we have unconsciously made. You CAN be happy and rich, and have healthy relationships. It is not "selfish" to enjoy the money that you have accumulated for yourself. You can not "save the world" but you can perhaps "save yourself." If you can create happiness for yourself, then you can pass along the knowledge of how to do this, thus you have done far more for others than giving them a few bucks would do. Yes, others will judge this, but if you are secure with your choices, this will not bother you.

I am on a mission to "have it all," and I believe that we can all do this together! There is no shame in wealth, and there is also no shame in doing the things that make you happy. Pass it on.

Over vs. Under

How many times have you been struggling with an issue, and someone has said to you, "Just get over it!"???? I have found this to be invalidating and unhelpful when it comes to really resolving something. I recently heard a friend telling herself this very thing, and I encouraged her to, instead, "get UNDER it." By this I mean, do not push aside your feelings, but instead, use them to teach yourself something. This may be labeled by some as "over analyzing," or even "obsessing," but to me, when life hands you a lesson, would you not be wise to learn from it, instead of forcing yourself to look past it? When you bury your feelings about something because you can't explain them, you are cheating yourself.

From the time you are a young child, you are taught that certain feelings are not acceptable. You are conditioned to push those feelings aside and not honor them, simply because you can not rationalize them to others. So I ask you, why is it that your personal feelings are subject to approval from others? Why aren't we allowed to feel how we feel and not have to explain it in a way that others are comfortable with it? Aren't your own feelings about YOU? Aren't your personal thoughts for YOU?

When I was growing up in a house with three older brothers, I learned that my tears always brought me more pain, in the form of ridicule. There was no help for the little girl who was in pain, and I shut it down as fast as I could. As you can imagine, I grew into a young woman who was afraid to show any emotions, and for me to let others see my tears was not acceptable. The reverse was also true, as I didn't want to see others cry, reminding me of my own unshed tears. Most people are uncomfortable with your emotions because they are not comfortable with their own. I would like to ask that we give people room to be sad, mad, or angry, and not tell them to "get over it" but rather, help them "get under it." Because underneath all those irrational feelings is a brand new lesson and path for those few brave souls. Allowing others to have their feelings without any judgement is healing for you as well. Sometimes you have to feel the pain in order to allow the release.

Happy Weekend, all you brave souls!!!!!

Spring into your destiny

As the old saying goes, "Put up or shut up". While this is a bit negative, it does get the point across in it's own way. If you are constantly telling anyone who will listen, that you are "great", or "happy", or even "a good friend", who are trying to convince? I see the desperation behind these statements. If someone has to go around and proclaim these types of things, they are likely the exact opposite of what they claim.

We grow up aware of the fact that if we are sad or angry, no one will want to play with us. The crying child in the corner gets very little positive attention, while the funny child attracts all the friends. Which one would you want to be? At risk of being ostracized, we force ourselves to be happy and cheerful even when we are sad and angry inside. As adults, this creates a depth of anger and resentment which spills over onto those who we feel safe with. These people are the ones who have shown us that they love us no matter how we feel, and so we aren't afraid to lose them if we show all facets of our emotions. However, this also results in us having people in our lives who are superficial. These are the friends who want to go out partying with you but are always "busy" when you are ill and need someone to go to the grocery store for you. We lean on our loved ones more than ever, and then we start to feel guilty for burdening them. As the years of resentment and unhappiness build up, we desperately try to convince others that we are "happy" and "fun," as we feel our pain increase and start to take over. The people who see us for who we are and want to help us are pushed away by our desperation, and we find ourselves in a cycle of pain which seems to have no end. We blame everyone else for our problems and slowly we lose ourselves in that negative cycle. Eventually this anger is no longer able to be restrained and we turn to medication and sometimes, psychoanalysis. Many people never emerge from this stage, and their lives are structured around doctor appointments and friends who are willing to listen and nod, never challenging them.

The cycle can only end when you are really willing to look at yourself and face your pain. It is no one else's "fault" that you are unhappy. It is your responsibility to create good things for yourself. If you are constantly complaining about how you got "screwed" by this person, or how you got "cheated" by that person, you are missing out on the opportunity to grow and evolve. When you have a special talent for finding the negative in every situation, and are determined that everyone else should share this fear and pain with you, well, you are going to be a lonely person. There is a fine line between reality and negativity. Certainly there are things which happen from time to time that are not as I planned, but if I look at them as "bad", then I am simply giving up my personal power. Instead, try looking at things as fact. "My car needs new brakes and I just lost my job," is a recent incident which transpired. I can choose to go into fear and panic, or I can choose to move on and trust that whatever comes next will be a better job and I will find a mechanic who will charge a reasonable price. Nothing will be resolved by me staying in fear and crying for days at a time. In fact, this will keep good things out of my life. My boss was abusive and I needed to leave that job anyway. In her firing me, she is giving me the chance to find a better situation for myself. So, I can honor her and thank the universe for giving me this opportunity.

"Create the life you have imagined" Henry David Thoreau

Growth and other things that hurt

My life's path is shifting, and this is painful. Today was a pivotal day for that change. It seems as though setting boundaries really pushes things along quickly. When a person speaks to me in an abusive way, and I stand up and say "Please stop! I don't deserve this!" whatever the result of that interaction is what is right. If you stay in an abusive situation because you are scared of what awaits you outside of that, you are not being true to yourself. Speaking up and saying no is showing yourself the respect that you deserve. If the abuser reacts angrily, you know you are really onto something! Loss is always painful, even if you know it is the right thing. I have loved and lost many times, and I am sure I will do it again at least a few more times. I will not stop loving, as a wise friend told me, "You can not really get hurt unless you take things personally." If I love myself and really know that I have value, no one can tell me otherwise. If you think you are stupid, and someone else tells you that they think you are, too, that is going to hurt. If you don't have a problem with your intelligence, and someone calls you stupid, you will laugh because it just seems silly. In that way, you are responsible for your own feelings and thoughts. No one can "make" you feel any way that doesn't already exist within you.

As I go about my day, I can make choices which blame others and avoid some of the pain. But in the end, I will just prolong the agony, as it will more than likely keep coming up until I deal with it myself. Your pain, or unhappiness is within you, and you will not find a permanent resolution outside of yourself. I'll take that pain now so that I can grow and evolve and welcome my next experience. I make mistakes daily, and laugh at myself as much as possible. Sure, there are moments of pain and sadness, but they are always replaced with something else, and I have even learned to welcome them, in a strange way. I trust the process and I trust myself.

To quote my favorite yoga teacher, "Don't be a human "doing," be a human "being." Wise words. Namaste.

Mother's Day 2011

When I was born, I was the girl my parents always wanted, after three boys. My brothers were wary of me, since I was welcomed in such a different way than my predecessors. They were to use me as their human guinea pig for many years to come, and the verdict was, "Yep, she cried. I guess that firecracker between the toe is painful."  My mother was overwhelmed and underpaid, as she was a typical housewife, with four kids to wrangle. We were expected to go to church three times a week, and not bother my mother, or we would get a spanking when my dad got home. If he walked in to us fighting, we were likely to go to bed without eating dinner. The first time I tried a cigarette (and threw up) at the encouragement of my brother, I tried to tell my mother but was hushed quickly, "That must have been a dream, your brother would never do anything like that." I learned that anything I told my mother was likely to get this response, unless it was good news. If I was hurt, or sad, or confused, I was to go to my room and not come out until I "was happy again." I idolized my mother, as she seemed to be able to always be happy, and not let anything or anyone make her upset.  As a child, I wished I could be like her, and always smile, no matter what happened. I began to write when I was 5 or 6, and I would hide my book under my pillow, so that anytime I had a problem, I escaped to my room and wrote, or read, until it went away. My mother used to tell me to "Stop reading and go outside!" but it was the only way that I could be sure that no one would hurt me. I would read for days on end, and it became my escape. The city librarian knew me by name, and became exasperated with me after I had read "everything in the children's section." She sent me upstairs at the ripe old age of 7, where I discovered the much larger world of young adult literature. I was set free in this wonderland, and thus began my adult education. From time to time, my mother would ask me what I was reading, and I almost always lied, since she would not have liked me reading "Goodbye Mr. Chips" at 8 years old. As the years have turned into decades, I have realized that my mother was genuinely doing her best to hold it together for us. As I have grown, and am now also a mother, she and I have come to a certain understanding about our relationship. I do not judge her or hold her accountable for my life's struggles. I thank her for her part in what made me the woman I am today. Though unwittingly, she helped me develop tools for life, and, I am happy to report that I have discovered a certain amount of inner peace. Knowing that hers was born out of the same instinct as mine, self preservation, is somewhat enlightening. There seems to be a very fine line between inner peace and insanity, and while she may have skirted the edge of that gap for some time, I think she and I have found a place where we can both exist in our own form of peace. So Happy Mother's Day, to all of you, and to my mom, who I respect and love with all my heart.

How high do you go?

I was explaining to my teenager the concept of a "pain threshold," and as I was telling him how, as newborn beings, we have nothing to compare our pain to, and so every little bit of discomfort is an occasion for crying. This is truly the epitome of "living in the moment". As we grow older, we experience more pain, and we realize it has an end, and we start to understand that certain types of pain are more uncomfortable than others. Emotional pain is also learned, manifesting early on as fear, usually of punishment or even physical pain. These emotional lessons cause us to make choices which are designed to avoid pain, and thus begins our lesson on denial and self deprecation. The pain threshold increases, and as we grow older, we start to understand that we can actually "check out" of this emotional option, using distractions such as alcohol, sex, drugs, and food. We block our pain and therefore we block our lessons. if you take pain medication for your physical pain, it can sometimes result in you re-injuring yourself, since you are blocking your nerve's communication with your brain, which is your warning from your body. In the same way, blocking your emotional pain can cause you to continue to repeat the same mistakes and therefore, never recover from that injury.

The last few days have been painful for me, and I have been tempted to create distractions for myself. But as I sat at home last night, more alone than I have been in a while, I found a place in myself which enjoyed that, and welcomed the pain as a teacher. Today I feel a little sad, but it is nothing I can't "handle." Relationships teach me a lot about myself, and when the other person is in more pain than I am, I have to reach inside myself and use the resources I have created from past pain. This is a gift, and one I use quite often. Creating the space to let this happen is key. Hope everyone had a great holiday!

In this moment, I live

I seem to be at a loss for words recently. I find myself saying "WOW" a lot. I consider myself a fairly intelligent individual, yet there are not many words to describe the strange happenings which I find myself enmeshed in. I have made some decisions which have resulted in my life's direction changing a bit, one of which is to be in a long distance relationship. Now, when I say "long distance", I don't mean the valley. I mean almost 3000 miles away, which is practically the moon. I have always said that I wouldn't do this, yet for the second time in the last 2 years, I am "doing it." I ask myself why I can't find anyone who lives within 100 miles of me, yet I have no answers. This man is an amazing human being and we fit together like 2 parts of the same puzzle. Yet I still find myself questioning every aspect of this strange and wondrous phenomenon, much as you might inspect a beautiful new car that you are constantly wondering if it is part of a dream that you have acquired it. Is it real or is it fantasy? Can I just live in the moment and accept that life is offering me something magical, but not quite letting me have it yet? And finally, will I destroy it before it has a chance to manifest in the best way possible? Living in the moment has always been a challenge for me. It was never in my best interest, as an abused child, as I needed to plan everything so that I was never vulnerable. I find this to be the most challenging step to take in my life right now. To be truly vulnerable, and open to the possibilities that life has to offer, you must let go of the past, and the future, and relax. You can not concern yourself with what others will do, what they will think of you, and what they expect of you. You simply must gather information and make decisions based on that truth, which is the only truth that matters. If someone is constantly unable to meet your expectations, it is not their "fault," but it is information. We have all heard the saying, "If it is meant to be, it will happen."  I met someone recently who is of this same mind set, and we emailed back and forth about getting together, only to realize that we needed to let it go and wait until it came back to us. We both realized it wasn't the time, and we were able to laugh about it. When something feels like it needs to be forced, perhaps it is just "not meant to be."  Relax and let it go, and see how, or IF, it comes back to you. Make the space in your life for amazing things to happen, and they WILL. We all deserve the best things that life has to offer us, and if you believe that, TRUST that, you will be right EVERY time.

Namaste ~ Andrea

Whatever you do, don't look down.........

I seem to have some issues with letting go of certain relationships. I wonder if I am the only one? In recent years, I have built up a support system, which has helped me through some tough times. However, at what point is this actually enabling my constant cycle of depression and self punishment? At first, it was a welcome distraction from the life that had completely fallen out from under me. I was 35, divorced, with two kids. I was used to being with someone ALL the time, whether it be the kids or my husband, who I really didn't even like, but he was a PERSON. After I told him to leave, I spent a lot of time wondering what the hell I was thinking???? I promptly went out and found a new person that I could use to fill that hole. Repeat, repeat, repeat. I now find myself in a transition, where I have thinned out my friends so much, that i could count on one hand, the people who I can truly talk to, and depend on. I know who I can call if I want to party, but I really do NOT want to distract myself any more. This new place I am going into is still not clear to me. But I can no longer see behind me, so I have little choice but to go forward. There are definitely days that I wish I could go back to the days where I puked in the gutter, and woke up with no memories. But there is a bigger part of me that recognizes that I am not that person anymore. I could not any more go back to that than I could pretend I don't know how to drive. It's become a reflex, and the alternative is not appealing to me at all. I want to be living my life in a way that makes me feel good without using others along the way. I want to develop relationships which are mutually beneficial, not just a crutch for a habit which isn't respecting anyone involved. When I am tempted to call my ex and arrange a nice distraction for myself, I am not tempted for long. I realize that all this is behind me now, and I am moving forward. To move backwards would only cause me pain.

As the days stretch into weeks, and the months fold out before me, I am determined to stay positive and looking in the direction of my goals. I have to make important choices which will deliver me into the land of my dreams. I am the only one who can make these choices, and they are hard, but coming easier as I realize that I am breaking patterns, which is therefore creating new patterns. If I allow these old patterns to shape my life, I will be unhappy and unable to be quiet with myself. What others think of me is irrelevant, it is only my opinion of myself which counts.

Earthquakes and Aftershocks aka decisions

Decisions are like earthquakes. You never know when one is coming, but you better be ready for it when it does! Throughout life, we are faced with many decisions, some big, some small. No one else can make these for us, as we know ourselves best. When you are young, your parents help you make what they deem to be "good" decisions. As you get older, you naturally start to assert your independence and make some in your own. My 8 year old insists on choosing his own "look," and this is very important to him. If his shirt and pants don't work together, he will pull something out of his laundry hamper. That won't work for many more years:) My 15 year old makes most of his own decisions, and sometimes he screws up. He is smart enough to recognize this, "Oh, man, I stayed up too late last night", and sometimes he will correct himself, other times he will choose to play the odds. We talk a lot about personal responsibility and choices, and I share with them that I don't always make the right decision, but the important lesson is there anyway.

I recently chose to end a very important relationship in my life. I agonized over this for months, many tears were shed, and many harsh words exchanged. In the end, I realized that I was more miserable IN the relationship than i could POSSIBLY be out of it. As I typed up my good bye email (he prefers this), I cried and agonized over the words with which to end this in the most positive way I could. It took me an hour to write 4 sentences, but in the end, I realized that I wasn't trying to resolve anything, I just needed to set the boundary so that I could move on. The way he chooses to respond, or not respond (which is more what I anticipate), is not my responsibility. I am only in charge of my own behavior, which I believe has been honest and forthcoming throughout the relationship. As I hit the "send" button, more tears flowed but then a feeling of peace came over me, and I breathed deeply for the first time in days. This felt right, and I was assured that I had made the right choice. I feel sad and I will have a period of grieving, but I know that it had to be done. As if that wasn't enough, the sun came out for the first time in a week, five minutes after I sent it!

As the days pass, I am interested to discover how my life will shift as a result of this decision. This was definitely a "big" one. Over the years, I have found that the bigger the decision, and the harder it is , the more things change after you make it. I am excited to accept what the universe has to show me now! Peace to you all on this beautiful day.

Freedom from ourselves

Sometimes, life happens without you. Meaning, you don't have to control every aspect of everything. Is it apathy, or letting go? I have recently been challenged on a very personal level to let go of something that was very important to me. It was causing me a great deal of stress to try to control it, and the fear of losing it was keeping me in it. I closed my eyes .... and jumped ...... and fell .... and I am now in a free fall, trusting that the Universe will create a safe place for me to land. I feel scared and alone, but I also know that it is better than feeling the pain I was residing in. I am now at least free, and in the words of Janis Joplin, "Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose." There IS freedom in that pain.

When we try to create things the way WE think they should be, we are actually interfering with the process. There is a fine line between controlling our destiny and allowing it room to happen. For instance, say you hear about a job which sounds perfect for you. You take it, and as you get further and further into it, you start to realize that it is not what you thought it was. You stay there, because you don't know what else you will do, and you are unhappy. Maybe you have a "degree" in this, or you have always dreamed about this job, and you let your fear of the unknown keep you in a place that you know is wrong for you. Many of us are in these situations, be it your job, or your marriage, or friendships, which cause us stress and pain and we are unhappy, but we stay out of obligation, or fear, or both. Before you know it, you have been in this situation for half your life, and you are even further indebted to it. Many people live their entire lives in this manner, and then wonder why they are unfulfilled, and angry. They are angry with themselves, but in order to admit this, they have to change, so they stay in the cycle. They pass along this attitude to their children, and here we go with another cycle of unhappiness. Do we really want to teach our children this lesson? It is certainly one thing to honor your commitments, but it is entirely another to martyr yourself out to obligation.

Honoring yourself is the best gift you can give yourself. When you make even the smallest choices, such as to "just say no" to that PTA fundraiser, or to go for a walk instead of cleaning the bathroom, you are giving yourself the freedom to be happy and to choose yourself over obligations. On the other side of it, when you see someone choosing themselves over others, be respectful of that. When I ask my friends for a favor, it is their choice: if they say no, I am NOT going to be mad. When you release yourself from saying yes, you are saying yes to yourself.

Be happy and free today. Namaste.

Close your eyes and enjoy the ride.........

Have you ever seen a jar filled with rocks, and thought it was full, until someone put sand in it? You then thought it was full, and then someone put water in it. Just when you think you are at your limit, something can come along and show you that you are not. I never thought I could be really happy on my own, until lately. Coming out of a series of very stressful relationships, where I thought I was with someone, and yet I was never more alone, I have realized some very important things. First, I am better off alone, than with people who do not appreciate me or value me. I'd rather be watching a movie alone than watching one that I do not want to watch. I'd much rather be eating what I want than with someone, eating something I do not like. Second, if I am trying to make a relationship work, especially in the beginning, I need to step away and see what happens. Many times, it will not gather momentum, and this is the best time to find out this information. Before feelings have become intertwined, before attachments have been formed. And last, but certainly not least, in the beginning, a relationship is new and fun. It should not be hard work and sweat during this phase. Even Romeo and Juliet enjoyed that phase, where it was simply developing, and there were no complications or difficulties that were more important than them being together.

If we are to really surrender to the moment, and live every day accepting what the universe has to offer, then we can trust that we will naturally have the people and things in our lives that we are supposed to. The more we try to control the process, the more we are in the way of fate, the universe, God, or whatever you want to call it. This can create many detours which are only going to waste our time and lead us into places which will distract us and detract us from our ultimate goals and desires. Letting go of this control may feel scary for most of us, but as a recovering control freak, I can tell you that it is much easier and a whole lot less work. Live, Love, Laugh, and most of all, do this EVERY day.

Train wreck? or not?

Sometimes we can feel a change coming, like a train bearing down on you in the dark. You can't see it, but you can feel the change in the air, and the electricity. You are strangely transfixed, afraid, but yet too curious to move. All of a sudden, someone turns on the light, and you see that it is stopping for you to get on. Your fear is dissolved, and you board, confident that wherever you are going will definitely be better than where you were. As the train picks up speed, and your hair is gently lifted in the breeze, you feel the peace that comes with making the right decision.

Today I am faced with what I know to be the "right" decision, but I am afraid. Afraid of the unknown, and yet, that inner voice is telling me that in order to move into a new place, I must take the chance that is given to me. I choose to trust that. My journey begins.

2009 gives way to 2010

The holidays are always a time of great reflection for me. I see people I haven't seen all year, my family and friends from back home. It generally give me that much-needed "restart" and even though it isn't always comfortable, it leads me down a path of questioning my choices over the past year. Last year I ran into a old flame, and we spent a few magical nights together, only to have reality crash our trip down memory lane. As I look back at it now, I understand what I needed to learn from that experience. As one of my favorite songs says, "Life throws you curves, and you learn to swerve." When I was 20 and had no life experience, my relationship with him seemed like magic. Now that I have been down a few more paths, I see him for who he really is, and that is not someone I can share my time with. Over the years, I have met many men who seemed to fit into my life at first, but over time, it became clear that it was actually NOT a good fit. I'd like to think that I've learned a thing or two in my time on earth, and one of the lessons I'm reminded of today is the one of compassion. Only this time I need to have compassion for MYSELF. It's easy for us to lose sight of the fact that yes, we make mistakes, and yes, we make bad decisions. But that is the way life works, and there is no reason to beat yourself up about it. All we can do is move on and make sure that we remain positive and moving forward.

As another year comes to an end, I look back and realize how many lessons I've learned this year. Many of them were quite painful. I suffered a few losses which still hurt my heart. But in the end, as my good friend told me today, we always end up with the things and people that we are supposed to. Welcome home, and Happy Holidays to all my dear friends and the special people in my life.

Busy, Busy, Busy

I've always wondered about these people who keep themselves so busy that they don't have time for anything but putting out fires. I watch them run around like crazy and I wonder if I'm missing something? I don't LIKE to be that busy, but I don't think I'm lazy. I need to have a balance between busy and relaxed. Some days are more one than the other, but generally I get plenty of time to relax and I also feel that I accomplish things and contribute to society.

I've come to realize that most of the time, when you keep yourself so busy, it's generally a symptom of a much bigger issue. In order to be still and listen to your inner voice, you have to make space. And if you keep yourself running around like crazy, there is no time for that. We keep ourselves distracted from really looking at what is underneath that. This is an entirely subconscious choice, but in order to reverse this, you have to make a conscious choice to do so. If you find that you are constantly overcommitted, then learn to say no. Make a space for yourself and put it at the highest priority. For me, this is usually something I do by myself, such as a walk on the beach, or meditation. You have to decide to give to yourself in order to gain the rewards of introspection. If you are constantly going at top speed, you are going to miss all the sights along the way, and what is the rush, anyway? There is no prize for finishing first. If in doubt, and you are making a choice, ask yourself these things: "When I am on my deathbed, which thing will I remember?  Will I wish I had worked more? Will I wish that I had given more to myself?"

I think the answers are clear.

Fear Factor

I hear people say all the time, "Once I figure out what I'm doing, I'll move forward." Isn't this backwards? Don't you have to move forward to figure out your life? Life experiences are what shape us. We have to fail in order to learn how not to. When I hear someone say something like this, I know for sure that they are not in charge of their life. I wonder if THEY know that? Probably not. Fear is a horrible teacher. When you make choices based on what you are afraid of, it may feel like the safe choice, but in the end, it is the least rewarding one. Do you want to live life being "safe?" Or do you want to learn and grow as much as possible? My friend is in a relationship with a guy, where they are both insecure. Neither of them is able to ask for what they want, and even though they have been together for a long period of time, she is unhappy and, I suspect, so is he. I encouraged her to ask for what she wants, and she is afraid. Afraid that he will not give it to her. So is the better choice to stay in a relationship where you are unhappy, and never get your needs met? Or are you better off facing that fear, speaking your truth, and possibly getting what you want?  And, in the end, you will ALWAYS get what you want, even though it may not seem so at the time. If a relationship ends because you asked for your needs to be met, well then, great!  Now you can find someone who appreciates you and can give you everything you want and deserve. It may not feel good at first, but let me tell you, it is the better place to be. Anxiety and insecurity are NO WAY to be in a relationship. If you choose to be in your truth you will ALWAYS win.