Honesty and other pitfalls

Everyone likes to declare themselves as "honest" and asks you to also be "honest" with them. I have learned, over the years, that most people do NOT want you to be honest with them. If you tell someone that their new haircut is really not working for them, they do not like this. Most people will only tell you the "honest truth" if it is what you want to hear. Otherwise, things will get uncomfortable very quickly. The most difficult area of honesty is in relationships. Most of us have stayed in relationships, at least once, because we didn't want to "hurt the other person." This is perhaps the most dangerous of all situations, since it is destined to hurt a LOT of people, including yourself.

My friend was very upset today about the fact that his girlfriend of a few years broke up with him, telling him she, "hadn't loved him for a while." I asked him, "This tells you that she was really trying not to hurt your feelings." He was hurt because she rejected him, and she knew that he would be, so she put it off as long as possible, until she literally could not stand to be in the relationship anymore. She broke up with him and was in another guy's arms that night. My friend was hurt, but he probably would have been less hurt if she had told him right away. I can't tell you how many times I have done this, and also had it happen to me. It's human nature to stay in a familiar place and "keep the peace." No one truly enjoys confrontation, and we will go to great lengths to avoid it, but in the end, we end up hurt, and hurting others, MORE than if we would have just been honest with ourselves and others right away. The other side of this is how you react when someone is actually up front with you about something. I had a guy friend who wanted to be more than friends, and he made this clear to me on several occasions. He kept trying to get me to go out with him, and I kept making excuses as to why I couldn't. I didn't want to "hurt his feelings" by telling him how I really felt, so this continued for a little while. I finally gave in and went out with him, and at the end of the date, I told him I really just wanted to be friends and wasn't interested in anything more. He got violently angry and accused me of using him, among other things. I was shocked at his reaction and asked him if he would like me to date him out of obligation. He became even more incensed and stalked off, never to be heard from again. Now please tell me, what did I do "wrong" here??? I'm sure he went around and told everyone that I was a horrible person for some reason, and got all of them to agree with him. But in the end, I was happy to have him out of my life, and I honestly don't feel I did anything wrong, except perhaps I should have told him immediately that I wasn't interested.

When someone is brave enough to be truly honest with you, ask yourself why you are hurt. Is it your ego that feels rejected? I always tell my kids, "I don't like everyone, and not everyone likes me, and that is fine both ways." Do not let yourself fall into the trap of basing your self worth on how others feel about you. I have many amazing people in my life, and I am also blissfully unaware of those who do not "like" me. We are all on different paths and have different goals. Some people are very unhappy and looking to blame others, while some are so far buried in the self pity and punishment that they are not open to love or acceptance from others. I wish everyone well but I do not want negativity in my life, so I will avoid those who are stuck in that.

May you all find other souls who are on your path and support you where you are, as well as where you are going. Namaste.