Week Three: Cracks in the shell of Ego

As I sit in front of the computer screen, I am unsure what will flow onto the page today, and that tells me that I am in the middle of a big shift. I have been feeling it for a couple of days, and last night a wave of pain hit me, that was so intense, it took my breath away. Without my usual distractions, there is no shield, and no buffer. It hits me like a tsunami of consciousness, and the only way to survive it is to take a deep breath, and FEEL it. I do not wish to keep this cycle going, and if I have to actually feel everything right now, I want to make it count. This means many tears will be shed, and many walls will be stared at, and my tribe will gather around the fire with me, and we will share. I am beyond grateful for my tribe of beautiful souls, who are all going through a similar version of what I am feeling, and we are all honest with each other about the process. We all have different ways of coping, but the constant truth is that we are committed to whatever process needs to happen, and we are open to hearing it reflected back to us. 

My friend Brighty has been quite sick for the past 3 weeks, and she is miserable on every level. We were talking yesterday, and she kept saying how much she "hates being sick" and how much "this sucks." I encouraged her to turn that around and LOVE it, and instead of getting defensive and looking at me like I'm crazy, she lit up, and hugged me, and said, "Thank you! I knew you would figure it out!" As she left, I called out, "Feel better!" and she replied, "I LOVE IT!!!" And that is the key, is it not? If what you are doing isn't working, why are you continuing to do it? When someone challenges your methods, instead of immediately getting defensive, why not pause and consider it for a moment? Perhaps you could make a shift and try a new tact. 

Being outdoors is the best kind of therapy 

The dating diet has been largely unsuccessful. What has actually been happening, is that I have been getting asked out MORE than ever. I find it amusing, but also very distracting. I tell myself that having coffee with someone is not a date....yea, right, that's a loophole. You can imagine all the justifications that go through my head at this point. My Ego is really making a hard play for it's survival. Living in a college town, being single, is probably the most difficult scenario I could have chosen for myself. Way to go , self.  

The one thing that I have been noticing is that the Universe is totally supporting me when I am in the flow, and when I am not, I FEEL it. I feel it HARD. I feel into an old pattern last night and immediately got knocked on the head. I am fairly stubborn, as most of my friends will attest to, but I think I am about to get it. With Jason, I was like a dog on a leash, pulling and straining to get him to pay attention to me, to validate me, and he was staying just out of reach. I know it didn't feel good to him for me to constantly seek out his attention. So, my challenge for this next week is to go back and lay in the grass, and enjoy looking at the beautiful clouds in the sky, and welcome anyone who comes and hangs with me. I am done seeking it out. I am DONE with that pattern. My friend Bonnie taught me that analogy, and it is a good one. When you have to reach for someone, time and time again, and they never have a chance to miss you, or reach out for you, it sets you up for a severe case of codependency. You become the pursuer, and they are forever the pursued. I don't know about you, but I do not wish to continue that particular pattern. I need a balance, and that will require me to face some more of my inner fears. 

Have a beautiful Saturday, everyone! I am off to enjoy the day!