Week Six: I fall into a small hole
/It happens...we all fall down from time to time, and I am no exception. I was feeling especially lit up, and I asked the Universe to bring me some fun. Careful, now........ And here comes a cute boy. My head must have started spinning, and I clicked right back into my old patterns. After one non-date, and a plan for another, the kisses spun my head around and threw me into a backwards spiral. I admit it....I am a sucker for kisses, and promises, but alas, they will never come to fruition. A few days later, I realized what was happening, and I called it off. As my friend Faith reminded me, I fell into a little hole, but it was not the cavern that I normally go into, and it was only for a few days, as opposed to weeks, months, or even years.
I have to push the reset button, and realize that I am simply giving my value over to others, especially men, WAY too easily. When someone asks me to come over at 9:30 at night, and I am already in my pajamas, I can say no, because that is my truth. I do not have to get up, get dressed, and leave my son at home, while I jump to the commands of a man. If he doesn't like that, well, then, this is not a relationship that I want. I want a man who will offer to come over and bring me dinner, since I have had a long day, and not ask that I make HIM dinner after I have been on my feet all day. I deserve a relationship where I am not afraid to say NO on any level, and I can feel confident that respecting myself and speaking my truth will not EVER be a bad thing. I am not saying that any of the men I have been with are wrong, or bad. I am only saying that I have been giving away my power, and that is ALL about me. When I can consistently stay in my truth, and not have fear around what others will do, THAT is when I will attract the people who are supposed to be in my life.
As I have said previously, I am beyond grateful for my tribe of beautiful women friends, who have taught me so much, and helped me out of my caverns, and holes. Last night, when I was feeling particularly sad about this latest situation, I was able to connect with two of my amazing soul sisters, and they helped to remind me of the love I have inside myself. It's all about remembering who you are. Remembering the LOVE that you are. Beating yourself up never gets you anywhere, it just keeps you from moving out of your old patterns. You make the choices you do out of pain. We ALL want to be LOVED, and BE LOVE. As my friend Bonnie says, "There is BEING love, and there is DOING love." When you are BEING love, you feel it from the inside out, and nothing can deter you. When you are DOING love, it is contingent on outside validation. Being love is what you are practicing when you do nice things for yourself, and for me, this is going on a hike, talking with a friend, or making a nice meal for myself and my son. I am committed to being love more, and doing love less. When you reach the point where you are in that pure space of love, you are truly free to love others without any agenda, and this is the goal, the journey to happiness.
A very special place, where butterflies swarm to lovers
So, I will climb out of this hole now, and set my boundary with my latest situation, and thank the Universe for the oh-so-helpful reminder of my inner truth and power. I know that there are many more distractions out there, and I am aware that this was simply an opportunity for me to be reminded of the fact that I am not here on earth to heal men, or get them to heal me. I am here to learn to heal myself, and teach others to do the same, so that we can ALL shift our patterns and grow into the space where we are each responsible for our own pain, and choices, and it is (say it with me) NEVER about someone else.
But I do still like kisses.........:)
