I work in retail, and this year has been amazingly quiet. People just aren't spending money, and I think that is a good and bad thing. It is good, because I have always abhorred consumerism, and it is also bad, because it seems to come from people being super depressed and not having money TO spend. I wonder if money is the root of it all, and then I realize it is much deeper than that. We have been conditioned to value money over happiness, that money IS happiness, and STUFF brings us joy. All of that last sentence is FALSE, and even dangerous, as it threatens the very threads of our existence. It has become common to hear, "all you need is love" and "money can't buy happiness," but I really always thought those were things said by those who never had to go without a meal, or heat, or any other necessity. When your basic needs aren't being met, you are in a different category, and I fervently hope that we can bridge that gap soon, as it greatly distresses me that there are some who have WAY more than they need, and then we have some with not enough to survive. That seems like the biggest farce of this broken economy. But I won't digress into a political tirade, as this is not really what this blog is about.  

I have been on every level of wealth, and I can relate, wherever you are. I have been homeless, and I have been in the top 3%. I can tell you that neither place brought me happiness, but that is putting it very simply. When I was without a place to sleep, I relied on others' kindness, and it was deeply humbling. I felt totally lost and sad. Once I got back on my feet, I swore to always help others in need, and I have. But I also know that there is a fine line between enabling someone, and supporting their growth. Some people get stuck in that space of apathy, and they remain homeless, on welfare, because they are angry at society, and they have given up on trying to make something of themselves, because they have been hurt and cut down too many times. In those cases, they will depend on everyone else indefinitely, and I have learned the hard way that I cannot help them, and if I try, it will only drain me. 

When I was rolling in money, it was equally depressing, but only because I felt as though I had reached the top, and I was confused as to why I wasn't happy. It was ultimately deflating to realize that no amount of money could resolve the deep ache within my heart, or take away the pain that I had run from and tried to distract myself from, for so many years. So, I moved on, and decided to address the pain head on. Thus began my journey of delving into the inner darkness from which I had shied away for so long. That was 12 years ago, and my journey has finally reached a point where I am content, most of the time, I am learning about my inner light, and I have surrounded myself with wonderful friends who support my upwards growth and offer loving guidance if i should need it. They are reflecting the inner light which I have cultivated, and it is amazing to behold. I don't have a lot of money, but my needs are met, and I do not wish for more. I am satisfied, because I do not have deep dark holes of pain to fill, and I have released the need for others to fill those spaces for me. So I enjoy my alone time, as well as friend time, and I love to connect with nature, and I have several passions and hobbies that I enjoy. My life is full and balanced, for the most part. 

I am not saying it is without challenge, from time to time, and I certainly have days where I cry and feel sad, and once in a while I feel deep anger, but I enjoy these experiences because they give me contrast, and it is the experience of being human, and being alive. Not too long ago, I found myself in a tough emotional spot, and I was able to step back from it and laugh at myself, thinking, "Well, this pain shows me that I am LIVING, and connected to my emotions, and that is something I have never experienced before." The contrast is that, all those years ago, I LIVED in pain, and life was punctuated with spots of happiness, but my baseline was pain. To have that paradigm flipped, is such a gift, and I am eternally grateful for this. 

This Christmas was very quiet, and I spent time with a dear friend, but most everyone stayed home or very close to home. At first, I felt sad, but then I realized that sometimes, a quiet cave is just what you need. Just because everyone else seems to be with family, and I have chosen to step away from that toxic situation for the time being, doesn't mean I am doing it wrong. I am just on my own path, and it is one that works for me. I won't venture off that path, but you can join me anytime. I welcome any and all who want to come along on my adventure. The difference is, I know where I am going, and I know what I want, so there is no reason for me to detour. The old me needed to walk a lot of different paths with different people, and learn some lessons. The pain taught me a lot, and that is why I am able to write these words and feel confident of my direction now. Every path and experience has value. 

Wishing you all JOY and LOVE during this holiday season!